I began my infertility treatment with a new specialist.

So why did I not stick with my current gynae? 

I was full of praises for him and his stitching skills after my cyst removal and I was the one who insisted my Hubba went for a sperm analysis. He had a "wait and see" approach, always insisting that we should try naturally and even in the face of the SA results, he still thought we need not jump the gun. Being aligned is very important...

BUT, jump the gun I did with a quick switch to a fertility specialist and even got the Hubba to see a urologist. By now I am so used to the terms of sperm count, motility and morphology even...and these terms are the very same things that make things complicated. Now, IF makes sense to me, stands for infertility.

Which specialist?

There are a ton of specialists around and depending on your budget - they exist both in public and private practice. A simple google search will reveal all the big names of the industry (including those who invest in SEO and SEM, oops sorry, occupational hazard!)

Going government hospitals does mean longer waiting times, being terrorized by a lounge full of bulging bellies and children running all over.  Private for sure has more privacy (the pun!), shorter waiting times and definitely a higher bill.

That being said, I only had experience with a private gynae in a small clinic versus a private fertility specialist in a government hospital.

Prof PC Wong it is then, we decided after scouring forums.

Fortunately, I managed to get a date quick. Unfortunately, as I expected the waiting times would drive me almost bonkers. Every visit I waited at least an hour and my consultation lasted less than 15 minutes. Plus, he was charging specialist rates in a government hospital because I walked in as a private patient, not a polyclinic referral.

Prof Wong like all the rest say is a man of few words but very professional. He is approachable and is horribly busy. The first time I went to see him, he bothered to do a couple of scans and muttered my endometrosis cysts were back but they were small, 1cm each and they existed at both sides of my ovaries. Damn those cysts, can't they ever leave me alone?

Switching doctors does mean I begin on a brand new slate - a battery of tests to find out what went wrong. I had to undergo 2 blood tests and a HSG Xray. All of them ended up emotional for me.

The tests

The first bloodtest drew 3 vials, the nurse was unfriendly and particularly rough. I bawled my eyes out afterwhich.

The second on a Saturday was way better and thank god for senior nurses, they make things so comforting. I would not have minded even if she drew 3 vials!

HSG Xray was at a separate unit, I donned a hospital gown and was attended to by a doctor and 2 nurses. Truly a crowded Xray unit! I experienced some discomfort having a catheter stuck up my hooha and then contrast liquid injected. All these in perfect view of so many strangers and my insides broadcasted on the screen, at this point, I had no form of embarrassment. At first glance, no blockages! PHEW. Apparently, those with blockages do experience pain. I am thankful for my mom who accompanied me, I was once again emotional about having to go through this.

The verdict?

All clear on my end with a note of concern on my ovarian reserves and morphology issues. We both have issues, and it isn't a blame game. We've come so far in this, blaming anyone (like we had at the start) did nobody any good. 

The weeks flew past and my second appointment with Prof Wong suggested we try IUI for 3 cycles before moving onto IVF. I am grateful for a specialist who is on the same page as me, and was almost close to tears we could get things moving!

What is IUI?

A non-invasive assisted contraceptive method that involves monitoring the cycle to spot ovulation and egg release from the ovaries, sperm cleansing and at last, having the cleaned sperm released manually into the uterus for fertilization. That's as laymen as I can get regarding Intrauterine Insemination.

Oh, did I also say there is a window period of 6-12 hours for the egg to be released and the sperm to meet the egg. Assuming everything works according to plan, that BFP isn't too far away.

The first IUI

That day the wait was exceptionally long, it was almost forever before my turn and I was worried they forgot about me. 1.5 hours later and countless times of emptying my bladder, I was the nth person of the day to do the IUI so were the women before and after me.

The nurse came back with the icebox and the treated sperm for injection into my uterus - Prof Wong was all smiles and uttered a "good luck" before I left. My hopes weren't high somehow, that disgustingly spot on female intuition but I still hoped. 

I cramped a fair bit  and well, waited like any other cycle for the hopeful to happen. 2WW is as torturous as it can get, a lot of guessing does this mean this or that or...and then the days that pass get more hopeful and BAM!, it fails. I don't suppose we can get this lucky, I don't even get lucky in lucky draws or seeing dolphins on a 50-50 chance, so why should I even get lucky with a 10% success rate?

It is easy to hit rock bottom. 

Emotionally, it has been horrible. Since the day we started trying. Every bottom brings me the question, how much lower can I get or do I go? Are we even joking when the legendary IVF is thought to be the worst emotional rollercoaster ride, I don't know what to make of it.

So 1 down, 2 more to go. At this point I don't know how many more failures I have to take.

The husband always makes me laugh with #shitthehusbandsays and on infertility, its these jokes that got me through the toughest of times and made me thankful for sunshine like him.

On our first failed attempt at IUI

"It's really like going for the lottery. Heck, a lottery ticket is cheaper."

Promptly, he returned home with a lottery ticket for a grand prize of $2.3 Million. Holy smokes, imagine if we won! I suppose $3 for $2.3 Million is way easier to swallow than $600 for a failed IUI procedure. I'm sorry but being jaded is part of this process.

The second IUI

The thing with IUI is, the timeline goes like this

12th day scanning - for follicle size
13th day trigger shot - to make sure the egg matures and bursts in time
14th day IUI

Somehow for this cycle, my 14th day fell on a weekend and the 12th day I could not take off from work so it ended up going for a scan on 11th. I thought this cycle was completely out. Thankfully, I managed to speak to PC Wong's nurse and she recommended a 13th day scan and possible IUI on 15th day. God must be working in his wonderful ways, there was hope for this cycle at least!

Turns out the "by right" schedule was not happening promptly this cycle...

13th day scanning - follicles were still far from the desired 18mm
15th day scanning - follicles slightly closer at 16mm
16th day trigger shot
18th day IUI

The nurse told us plainly success rates for the first IUI are low and I took that without much emotion...fingers crossed for the second cycle!

Keeping my hopes up this time, I have to admit with planned three upcoming trips, there was a tiny thought that said what if I hit my jackpot will I be able to go on these trips still? Oh shuddup, I silenced these thoughts - overplanning and overthinking throughout these months have drawn to naught, I shall take things as they come.

For the many things that were different this time, it still ended on a disappointing note. 7 days into it, I welcomed Auntie Flo and once again was down in the dumps. A new low, I believe. With that 150 million swimmers charging at that one egg, the odds were still against us. I wish I could have cancelled all appointments and curled up in bed to weep the night away.

However weirdly this developed, the supposed Auntie Flo ended abruptly, spotting continued and I reckon this was known as "implantation bleeding" which kept my hopes on a high. So high that even the husband knew how unusually happy I had become (hope floats, really...) but when AF finally decided to arrive on 11 dpiui, it wrecked me once again. Whatever hope there was, was clearly dashed. I haven't come to terms with which would work better for me - having never lost or given and lost. 

The realities of infertility hit me bad this round - I suppose having the festive season around the corner did not help one bit.

It had sucked me of the precious things I took for granted before;

Faith in God...I have to admit bad days took its toll on me but each time, I emerge so much stronger.

Trust in science...leaving total control to this thing called science and it proved me wrong time and again made me wonder what else was there?

Happiness in the basics. So it was this thing that other couples had achieved by a "Oops we did it...(again)" kind of luck.

The ability to be happy for others. I'm sorry my happily married with kids friends, it stings like acid and burns like fire.