Warning: LENGTHY entry ahead without pictures. 

I don't wish to begin this entry with...it was easier than expected. Because it wasn't. Not a single percentage easier trying to conceive again. The number of times I walked back into Women's Clinic and waited for my turn, seeing all the baby pictures again, all the bulging bellies, newborns in arms, even the same spot that I bawled my eyes at...it hurt and pricked so so so bad. I would not title this second pregnancy for the simple fact, Blobbie was the second. It just did not make it...and I'm not just about to ever forget about its existence. So, this is the third.


July 2018

Post surgery, I met up with Prof and he went through my records and sighed. I felt wretched. Even he felt sorry for what happened and probably did not know why it did. He advised to only restart the cycle after 3 rounds of menses so July, August, September and we'd restart in October.

August 2018

I had a followup visit with Prof and he prescribed a heavier dosage of Clomid for the next cycle. We were going to restart this entire process. I stood back at the same spot and really cried. Why am I back here, at square one? Why. Part of me knew God was listening and he will grant us our miracle, our rainbow baby. I even walked past our gynae's office and she was so encouraging about things, I still cherrily told her - I'd see you soon! (Deep down, I just did not know when...) September 2018 We had a trip planned to Hong Kong and things were hectic in September. I followed the fertility tracker and did not bother so much about the ovulation kits. It failed me in August so well, nothing to lose if we just took things as it is before we got all serious in October.


October 2018

I tested a few days prior to the period, BFN. Right. Three days before, it first registered as a BFN and slowly the faint line appeared. I could not believe my eyes. It took an entire week before the line got darker, the mild spotting started and I had to just get the Clear Blue kit with weeks indicated just to be a little surer? 3 days into my missed period, I decided to call and make an appointment. 4th day, I went for the bloodtest for HCG levels and we recorded a 700+ which was out of charts for the corresponding 4th week.

6 days after missing my period, I finally scored two dark lines on the kit. I had my puregon jab the following Monday and perhaps I already knew what to expect, it did not hurt as bad. However, going back to the corner brought tears to my eyes. The journey is long but I tell myself repeatedly to keep my eyes on the Lord, he will not forsake me and I have to trust in the plan he has.

And this has been the single praise and worship song that has repeating come up.

Won't You Lord take a look at our hands
Everything we have use it for Your plan

Won't You Lord take a look at our hearts
Mould it, refine it as You set us apart

We want to run to the altar and catch the fire
To stand in the gap between the living and the dead

Give us a heart of compassion for a world without vision
We will make a difference, giving hope to our land

We will answer the call to build this church without walls 
Let Your glory be shown Bring salvation to the lost, to the lost
We will make a difference, we will make a difference
We will make a difference, bringing hope to our land To our land, to our land, to our land

Somewhere between week 5 and 6 I experienced cramping and the first bleed this pregnancy. I panicked, collected my thoughts and made my way to A and E. To be fair and in all logic, nothing can be done at the moment. If an impending M were happening, it would anyway.

I am not saying having had a miscarriage before, I've become jaded. It is a sense of acceptance that if structurally it is not viable, maybe it is the better for all of us that the pregnancy ended this way. And definitely it will hurt like my insides got busted all over again, and definitely emotionally I will be very broken...yet, what else can I do except to trust Him and his plan?

I've come to think of the A and E to be some kind of tranquilizer, the bleeding ebbed and almost stopped at some point, no cramps and as if nothing of the bleed happened. I had a scan and saw the sac and the black blob and possible a little bit of attachment. Thank god it's in the uterus, not in the tubes and well, no heartbeat yet.

The second proluton jab administered and this time, it hurt really bad and brought back all the memories. All of it. Are there women who aren't physically strong enough for pregnancies? Had I known this path would be so difficult, would I have even thought of trying? Not to mention handling a sticky toddler who cannot comprehend why Mommy cannot carry, is not well, is...not the Mommy he has known all his life. My heart broke when I could not send him to school yet he so understandingly waved me good bye with a slight purse in his lips. Baby Boy, I wish I had a better body to deal with pregnancies and not have to morph into an inactive me.

To think I though natural conception would have changed the way the pregnancy would progress.

The first scan at 5 weeks 3 days, we saw the gestational sac and fetal pole and a couple of cysts and corpus luteum which caused some alarm in the sonographer's office. No heartbeat yet and a scan was scheduled 2 weeks later.

5 weeks 4 days, heavier spotting. Emotionally I get my highs and lows and it has become clear to me that regardless assisted or natural, the body probably responds to it with spotting. And that's just something I cannot change...I do my best with all the drug goodies and leave the rest to God.

Dear God,

We commit this pregnancy into your hands. There is no big problem that you cannot solve..there is no big worry that you have not heard of. We pray for the pregnancy to be developing well, spotting and bleeding to stop and for your name to be exalted every single day. We let go and let God take over because there is none other name that we should be proclaiming but yours.

Take every fear and worry away because you are the God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I fear not, worry not and cry not because I have you.

To God be all glory, great things you have done.

Amen.


The spotting lasted a good week and more. 6 weeks seems like a long way more actually and while I am leaving things to God, part of me still worries the what if. Wouldn't it be nice if we are at Week 37 already. I developed a rash at my ankles and it lasted all of 4 good days with medication.
..
6 weeks 3 days I first had that metallic taste in my mouth.

November 2018

7 weeks, 8 weeks and finally 9 weeks. I was so emotional the day I took my 6th jab, for whatever reasons. Tears welled up and I was sobbing in the clinic. Part of me feared the past, we lost blobbie sometime in between 8-9.5 weeks and inevitably I could not remove that part of history...and a friend shared with me 10 scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. 

"The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace." Psalm 29:11. 

Amen, amen, amen. 

The food cravings have been consistently odd - cheese and seaweed sandwich, banmian (heaps of it), noodles in general makes me a happy girl, tuna sushi and anything tuna! (I caved into tuna croissant the next day). 

I lost sleep over the scan scheduled on 9 weeks 3 days...hmm, the previous miscarriage definitely has a shadow over me and it robs the pregnancy of some joy unfortunately. So I was holding my breath and watching Prof was he scanned and then turned the screen towards us. There my little beanie and its flickering heartbeat was on the screen. Stay safe and grow well! Gagging this week and it ain't fun at all. Dinner is all a game of zombiehood...I stuck with soups just to get through them and end up ravenous by 11. What sorcery.

December 2018


I graduated from Prof's clinic before the end of year and commemorated it with 5 vials drawn for the igene test.

The weight had not soared like the previous time in the first trimester, I did my week 12 scan and then the igene test because hooray this more comprehensive option is now available and I could also tell the gender! WHEE. It took three weeks before I got the call with the results and I actually missed the call. That arduously long wait till the next day before I could hear it with my own ears!

So then it was just me and my mom who knew first...and because I intended to do a gender reveal, I kept Hubba in the dark. HAHA.

Leg cramps first experienced!

January 2019


Spotting only started stopping and resuming and stopping again sometime in the 17th week and I was not unduly worried because the previous blood clot was still showing up.


The post meal pukes continued, though not in the same vengeance as the first tri...we do have a picky baby on hand!


Sometime early January I decided to do a gender reveal...well for the heck of it and here's how we did it!

The puking continued till 19 weeks and spotting kind of stopped (well on and off and alot lighter than before)...I guess we have a baby who isn't too keen on food!

February 2019

Chinese new year came and went and I managed to hide the bump from relatives - HAHA. I've never been one to dress it anyway. Time does fly alot faster with a toddler and another bun in the making, yet I try to remember our weekly milestones like I used to.

Shopping wise, I barely budged till 24 weeks to buy anything at all for XLB, our little dumpling with pork fillings because Year of the Pig? HAHA.

March 2019

Booked our maternity, FRESH48 and newborn shoot. Having to cancel it in Blobbie's time was heartbreaking so I decided to only approach them after 24 weeks...just so you know?

My GD test was scheduled for the week of 27 and I actually passed it!!!! It is incredibly joyful to be able to clear it when I have a history and was all prepared to fail it and get pricked for the rest of the pregnancy. Suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and not that I had free reign to eat as I please but the mental stress was gone. PHEW. Now, I had to watch what I eat still so the weight gain will not rocket. So I had two humongous bruises to remember this GD test by, afterwhich I learnt that my veins run so the "butterfly" method would help with bruising for all future blood withdrawals.

Last tri and it is getting real when the twoddler throws terrible tantrums including those that end with "I don't want mei mei". It is tough managing his expectations and being preI'pared for more chaos - with the first pregnancy, I definitely had alot more time to myself to keep my emotions in check but with two, somehow I have been letting my own emotions take over the way I handle the twoddler - lots of mum guilt moments here.

I'm not sure if we are ready for her - or will we ever and actually now is what I am enjoying, the peace of a meal though C has been regressing and asking to be fed at meals when he can completely self feed. Oh well, come what may!

So far it's been a comfortable pregnancy with occasional round ligament pains, leg cramps but nothing I cannot handle.


April 2019

Are we in the last trimester already? :( Time really flies this time round or because I'm so engaged with the twoddler time does fly so much...even my Gynae commented it is alot faster this time round. No major complaints actually...the round ligament pains, tightening of the bump, it feels alot more cramped inside at times. There are on and off episodes of puking but way better than the start.

So far sleeping has been a-okay, though there are days I wake up two hourly to pee. Not having GD has definitely made this journey alot happier though the same cannot be said of the weight gain - just slow down please!

Whooping cough vaccine taken and boy was my arm feeling the ache thereafter.

My first stash of girl clothes arrived and it is getting real, we are having a girl!

I experienced the worst episode of round ligament pain of my life the day we turned 30 weeks. It was a nagging pain that did not go away no matter how I tried to make myself comfortable - definitely did not help I was in half day training and while I tried to restrict movement, it was just so terrible. I prayed, I rubbed the tummy, well if any consolation it went away after 2 days and then I got hit by a bad bout of indigestion. What the irony.

9th April is a day I'd remember actually - C told his teachers all about Meimei in my tummy and they verified with me the next day just to make sense of his tales (haha this boy tells stories like it's the holy gospel truth). Why memorable? Because he is finally willing to talk about his sibling to someone outside family and so far his responses to us has not been to most positive. Baby steps!

He has been more accepting of Meimei and even declared she is called "Ling Ling" (NOT TRUE) to his teachers and said he will share his bath tub with her. "She bathes first and when she is finished, I can use it." O MY HEART.

1 day short of 32 weeks, water retention hit my fingers. BOO. The ring finger can no longer fit the wedding band without being too tight and...sigh pie. Cannot complain can I since the last pregnancy it did hit me alot earlier. Surprisingly, it disappeared shortly after.

The day before we welcomed May I had one incident of brown spotting and it set me into a mode of panic - what is happening again? Had I not waved goodbye to the whole episode of pregnancy related spotting this lifetime? So off to A and E to be checked and when I was whisked off to the Delivery Suite, it felt intimidating. I was not ready for any of this. Cervix checked, CTG strapped on and XLB was squirming and resisting the belly band the whole time I was being monitored. All in an hour I was up and about and sent home. PHEW.

May 2019

My 33.5 weeker bump is looking alot more pronounced this month and people have been commenting. RAH. Project #hidethebump fail.

Completing my maternity shoot at 34 weeks + 2 days had to be a milestone, we've come so far and finally had our photos taken a photographer duo that I've been eyeing since Blobbie's time...it was emotional for me.

It's getting alot tighter at the girth and I'd definitely be more comfortable lying down than sitting up - the countdown to 38 weeks starts! Eating more frequently too though the puke fests did not stop, kimchi and spice strangely triggers them. BOO.

I finally decided to do some packing and charging of my breastpump - reality is hitting me and when those cupboards for XLB finally arrived, it felt so real. Life is only going to get more chaotic.

Week 36 came and so did the water retention...not at all fun though I really should not complain since it only hit me this late, this time round. Insomnia too and rawr, it really sucks. I'm feeling a whole lot more 3D but I guess these days will end so soon, I may just miss having her inside. Pink spotting and I actually panicked.

I've been telling her to only come out in June, let's see what happens! 9 more days to June yet it feels so far away at times. Hospital bag packed, her wardrobe filled with necessities and I guess we are kind of ready? Part of me is dreading restarting the midnight pumps and losing any form of sanity.

That said I have been indulging in Venchi's hazelnut icecream cones and dreaming of that cup of brown sugar boba milk just before I pop!

37+3 and not only did I have brown and pink blood streaks in my discharge, during the CTG, we detected irregular contractions, XLB was "happy inside" as termed by the nurses though I am already 1 cm dilated. With just 5 days to go before 1 June, I'm not so sure if we'd make it till the end of the week. Damn! I guess it is a countdown afterall...Cyrus' time was 37+4 and I'm left with a day to see if she'd follow her brother.

37+4 was when I delivered C and the day came and went without any signs of XLB arriving so I guess we have passed her brother's due date then! Onward to week 38! This already debunks any myths that the second will be earlier than the first and so on.. this countdown is causing me some nerves and disrupting my sleep. Does not help that the braxton hicks are getting more frequent and I am getting so annoyingly large.

Week 38 came and went and I was secretly relieved we made it closer to June. Part of me wished that we could go even further but with the Hubba travelling the week of 39, it may not be all that feasible to bake so long.

June 2019

XLB arrived right on in June, June 2 at 38+2 weeks. More on that later, meanwhile...let me inhale and enjoy this newborn phase all over again.

This entry took really long to write and we finally made it. It has been a ride, an all too emotional ride that I will never forget. Praise God for all his blessings and I'd be back to share more!