Very early on during Speckie's time I already knew what I'd call my next foetus, blobbie. When we discovered speckie it was right on time at 4 weeks plus a few days and how ironic was it is when we discovered blobbie, it was actually at 7 weeks 5 days instead of 4 weeks over. Had I missed a whole month?


GASP.


I did and thanks to the sonographer, I had the rudest shock of my life. Amongst all the cysts that made its way back into my uterus.


I saw the blob, and the beating heart panels. It had a heartbeat and it was no longer the worries of seeing a sac, fetal pole and the waterbag. We had progressed without me knowing and all the wine, sashimi and herbs I have taken.


So here we are, starting this chapter at 7.5 weeks.


Bloatedness plagued me. The whole gassy and the more I fart the more fart I have is just the grossest feeling on earth.


Spotting..I am no stranger to this but this still irked me. I don't expect it to stop anytime within the first tri...and well, one can only hope right? I made a visit to A and E just for a peace of mind on Week 7 day 4 and we saw blobbie and its heartbeat. There was no active bleeding and the doctor gave me a day's mc. All seemed to develop the way Speckie did so I was not overly worried though the people around me had other opinions about spotting  in general.

I was thankful to miss the first worrying 4 weeks, about having a fetal pole, about finding the heartbeat at week 5 and now I just have to battle spotting until first tri is over. I even had the usual oil jab on that Week 7 day 4. I was a tad bummed about not being able to capture my bump shots earlier like week 4 considering this is my last pregnancy.

Week 8 day 4, I had the scheduled appointment with Prof and even planned to head back to work after it. No weight gain phew! I was hoping to keep everything the same as the last pregnancy and without any morning sickness meant my appetite was decent. I managed to be seen ahead of time even, yay! He came in, greeted us and turned on the machine, did the scan and didn't say a word. Quite uncharacteristic actually. Without turning the monitor over, he said he's going to arrange a visit with the fetal care unit because his machine was not high definition enough and he could not see the heartbeat clearly.

Weird because back in Cyrus' time I saw his heartbeat flickering so strongly...and even at that point I did not panic or think anything otherwise about it. With no prior appointment, the wait at Fetal Care was painfully long and I read a total of 32 chapters of the book of psalms. Did anything get in? I'm not sure but I was very calm.

I got called to the room, and was attended to by a A/P and not the usual sonographer. She first did a tummy scan and then transvaginal and reaffirmed Prof Wong's suspicions. Early fetal demise she classified on the report and there I saw with my own eyes, there was no heartbeat. Blobbie was just there and all of 2.1cm. Tears did not even start until I thanked her and left the room.

We lost Blobbie, and that was a fact. When? Why? What happened? I don't know and...what is the point of finding answers even.

Back to Prof's room and this time, I was a bag of emotions. 

Prof gave me three options,

Let the body miscarry naturally with a 20% success.
Insert Cycotec and induce a miscarriage with a 80% chance of a complete miscarriage.
Go for a D and C with a 90% chance.

Rationally I decided to go with the second, dealing with being in the maternity ward is just too much. Neither could I deal with blobbie dead and inside and keeping it with me. With the pills I had to insert every 3 hourly and there were 5 doses. I googled the expected reactions and even prepped menstrual panadol to deal with the cramps. Some say it is so massive like contractions.

1st dose - Mild cramps. Light spotting. First wipe I had a clot and a white blob, I wonder if it were blobbie. It could have been the membrane that fell into the WC, I cannot be sure though.

2nd dose - Mild cramps, heavier bleeding.

3rd dose - Mild cramps. One of the tablets fell into the WC and 2 more from god knows which dose also fell out.

4th dose - Mild cramps.

5th dose - Diarrhea.

All 10 tablets later there was no insane cramping or gush of blood. Had I actually miscarried already? What had happened? The more I read the more I concluded I probably need another dosage and even worse a D and C. I even had a wild thought - would I actually see blobbie's heartbeat again? Could it be a miraculous misdiagnosis?

2 days after the diagnosis I saw Prof and he confirmed I had actually miscarried and there was no more fetus.

The episode does not fully end - my HCG levels need to be monitored to ensure they are back to zero and all in takes 3 weeks.  It took me way longer than 3 weeks, infact almost 6 to zero-rise the levels.


Here's one quote that made this journey a tad less sad - "Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear, they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and most importantly always knew love."

Yes it is true, we were all ready to welcome a baby and ended up adding an angel. I will never forget this and though it was that short a while, those two weeks were really happy for all of us and I wish you knew, how much you were loved.





So raw, so real, so to the point and it's just painfully beautiful. And maybe that is what this is, heaven needed blobbie more than me. This entry was originally titled 'First Trimester with Blobbie" and since we never made it out of the first, this is for you Blobbie. Fly high in heaven, till we meet again.