If life hadn't thrown me IF, I would have timed my children 3 years apart. I joked about having 3 before and having 2 girls and 1 boy though the most ideal situation is to have all girls.


Ideals aside, I did not rule out getting pregnant again within the first year but I let breastfeeding the first born take priority.


Of course I wish I had a text book conception process..I mean I still do. And I have to be fair to myself and age that my chances declines with age if I yearned for more children. Nobody likes going through all the tests, finding the issues and seeking solutions that are invasive.



IVF is at the back of my mind, always has been actually and that would be the lastest resort. I guess being mentally prepared is always better than none and that somehow eliminates surprises or shocks along the way. Like how one can never be fully prepared for parenthood, same goes for journeying into parenthood.


September 2017


I made a routine visit to my gynae for papsmear and just to catch up and she so kindly got me linked up with my endocrinologist and plans were on paper to stop breastfeeding, get the menses back and then see him again. Infact, I was abit emotional about having to stop breastfeeding altogether and then...Somewhere down the lines of weaning, re-welcoming AF after a grand two years of absence and seeing my gynae again, I was open to the idea of heading for assisted contraception again.


It was an open date, I was to return to see Prof Day 12 of Cycle 2 and starting a new job somehow did not make that so feasible.


December 2017


With the husband's clashing schedules and me taking things a tad slower and "nature take its course", things still did not happen and we found ourselves in the office of Prof Wong (yet again) and I was actually so keen to have the IUI that month because my follicles looked good.


And as if luck is never on my side and never will be, the Hubba was scheduled to fly and we had to sit out that month's IUI. BOO.


Part of me was bummed, part of me was thankful because of my history of having such a difficult pregnancy, I definitely do not want to miss our Christmas holiday!


January - February 2018


My menses arrived earlier than usual and that had us in quite a fix.


CD 12 came, I saw Prof Wong, scheduled IUI was on CD 16 or 18 depending on follicle size. And HERE is the double whammy; our infectious diseases blood work was last done in 2015. They had expired. We both had to get the tests done before CD 16, it takes a day for the lab to release the results and er...the Hubba was only back on CD 14. Unless the blood test was done on CD 14 or 15, it may very well be another month out of the window.


And...? Hubba was due to fly on the afternoon of CD 18. HURHUR. Cyrus was conceived on CD 18 and I can only wish and pray so hard everything was on schedule and for once in my entire life - follicles please don't grow so fast!


Can we get any more dramatic?

My scan on CD 14 showed we were scheduled for iui on CD 18 and here's the catch, I had to get jabbed on CD16 between 5-8pm. Saturday, GP? And there was a dinner appointment to deal with. I am actually not liking how much drama there is in this cycle. But...anything for another shot at being a mother again?


The drama continued on the actual day, Hubba arrived too early at the clinic and by the time I had the procedure a good two hours later, Prof Wong muttered good luck and pre empted that two eggs had popped, we had a good chance at multiples. I panicked at the thought of that but well, blessings right? Given it was Chinese new year, I still thought maybe this would be our last year celebrating as a family of three.


I tried not to symptom spot and I still did and unfortunately, AF reported right on the dot of CD 26. I was still counting on some birthday luck here - too bad. I would say I am disappointed but it did not bite me like it used to. Perhaps with a 19.5 month old zapping me of all the energy, I did not focus on it as much as before and...I guess that helps?


At some point I considered - maybe having one child for life was not such a bad idea afterall. Would it even hurt? Can I live with it?


The reality of it sunk deeper and by end of day I was a miserable mess vis a vis two years back. When one hopes, one gets disappointed and it's not like just because I already have one, makes this sense of disappointment any lesser.




March 2018


So...second shot at this. Were we gonna be lucky on the second try? The curve balls this cycle? Hubba was due to fly on the afternoon of CD17, I could not risk an IUI on CD 18. Else it would mean sitting out again.

CD 12 was a Sunday, I booked an appointment on CD 11, there were 3 follicles spotted.
Second scan appointment was scheduled for CD 14 and by then I was left with just 1 follicle at 15.5mm. With the Hubba flying out on CD17 I was left with...not much choice if the follicles hadn't grown as large as they should by CD 15. That visit was horribly emo, I saw a couple sitting in the room with C's thank you note pasted on the cupboard. I wonder how many couples actually looked at him and thought to themselves - will they have an equally cute baby like him?

And it's just hard, even the second shot at this...that I still look at all the baby pictures and wonder...what if we don't succeed at this. Will the family of 4 be but a dream?

I returned end of day, ate my eggs (I'm not sure what made me religiously eat 2 boiled eggs everyday, must've been the TTC chat I joined years back...), got scanned again and hooray the follicle was nice at 18mm. The Ovidrel 250 was administered sitting up (lying down would've been more comfy!) and there IUI was scheduled 11am of CD 17. Everything was in place - and while I wish I had more follicles at this...Thank God for a really good number of swimmers, we are keeping our fingers crossed.

And mistake is...symptom spotting again. I cannot help it, as much as it really isn't healthy.

I bought pregnancy test kits for early detection and on the first day of my missed period, it came up negative. Sigh...another chance lost? The stakes are high on this one....with such good numbers for the swimmers, was it my own egg that failed me? :(


And 3 days, I lived in the hope that we could've succeeded this try. Even my drippy nose that the GP classified as a sinus hinted at a pregnancy rhinicitis. That things were going to be so different because no spotting, just a horrible nose that kept dripping and I slept well and all. I even went on to think about - if we conceived this cycle baby would be here by November and maybe that means by December or even April I could do a trip to Japan for...sakuras?


It went so far to the point of, maybe I can get a customized dress with both their hand prints and foot prints on it for CNY and it would be a one of a kind piece. Or maybe we could all dress in the same prints...and my family of four would be complete before I was 35.


I think sometimes I indulge the mind way too much and...it goes on a mind of its own. Pun intended. I should have listened to that failed pregnancy kit? I mean, it already said I wasn't pregnant and even if my period has never been late, there's no guarantee there will not be a first. Right?


The husband and I then had a discussion on where's the end in these...the assisted contraception? Was it going on forever? Where's that final try that we go - here's it, if it doesn't work then let's just be happy with three. At the start of the journey, having one was a big question mark even...and now we talk about two? Why aren't I just contented with one. Why do I need another even to consider it perfect?


Humans.


I'm not quite sure if I want April here so quick for that finale. It's almost saying to myself - this is it, no more. We are not taking this one step furthest. I spoke about IVF as the furthest but we aren't gonna embark on it. Maybe someday I will regret, and maybe someday I will not.


Reality bites again, two years later. I have more swimmers but the same disappointing outcome.


說不哭 on repeat. :'( I hate watching myself on repeat - what has changed? I have not grown to deal with disappointment any better and truly, this sucks so bad. Why did I think it would get easier? So naïve really. While it is true with 1 child already, it helps with distraction but at the end of the day, we have not progressed (and this is me being so hard on myself).


Would having 2 children define me better as a mother? Would it complete, really? Or is it just that image in my head that I am trying to fulfill that 4 is always better than 3. Can 3 not be equally perfect?


My Day 12 scanning is scheduled for March 31, so yes please let March end already with some hope! At this point, I am feeling like infertility really sucks. I was a warrior and now I'm back in this battle ground fighting for my right to have another. Let me concentrate on God's plan for me and in his time, in his plan...will I find that wisdom to fathom all there. I need to know that he allows conception, the same way he withholds conception...and my favourite verse since infertility struck remains "“Every good and perfect gift is from above...” (James 1:17)


April 2018

Easter Sunday ovidrel 250 ordered, IUI was scheduled on CD 14, how early this cycle and just 1 follicle. Numbers weren't great at 50+M swimmers, the lowest of our three tries and I let emotions consume me. Why would this even work? When I've had numbers three times the amount, more than this even and none worked. So why should it work?

Prof as usual was all smiles, he told me to come back in 3 weeks for a pregnancy test. He didn't mention the alternatives if we failed unlike the last 2 cycles. Shrugs, I hope it works for us.

Having used medisave twice already, I was in for a realization that if we embark on IVF, it would be at a lower subsidy of 4K instead of 6K, meaning more cold hard cash on the table.

Let go and let god. It took me a long while to come to terms with this.

I'm not sure where we are headed in this. I read up on the optimal number of cycles for success and why 3? Not 4, 5, 6? So the cumulative success rates actually plateaus after the 3rd try and for my given age group, it's a cumulative 25% chance. And it's 40% for those aged 20 and below. Hurhur. Age...

I'm glad I considered seeking help this early, I'm glad I was wilful and today I have Cyrus. But it still eats me. Is this the best I can do for him, us...and myself? Am I asking too much even?

2ww, kill me please. I will try not to symptom spot but we all know, all of us IF warriors know how tempting it is and the only thing that keeps us sane and alive is those two lines on the pee test.

I tried turning my attention to planning for our Sakura trip next year...I mean there has to be an end point in this right? I cannot be insisting my way...and with 35 looming, those chances take another nose dive. :(

Why won't I trust God completely, really. The only difference this time, Hubba isn't rushing to fly off and I am sucha emotional mess. No more binge eating of eggs, no more thinking what if I get pregnant....just be over 2ww.


8DPIUI


I decided to plan trips for us, as if, cushioning the impact of another failed cycle. I have been praying for God to intervene. When it isn't time, give me the wisdom to accept this gracefully and move on...and maybe that was what I did. Damn the 2 weeks, I finished my itinerary within 2 days.


The big question of what's next keeps looming. And I really wish I had answers. The Hubba reminded me, we still have a lovable little boy...what if we were doing this without him?


I tried not to symptom spot...I felt the usual tweaks, mid cycle cramps, the creamy cms and all...but weren't all these what I experienced the last 2 cycles? Good lord, I really need to work on letting go and completely letting god.

9DPIUI

The Hubba says his travel dates may clash with the next IUI so that means we are sitting out the next cycle regardless...and part of me felt sad. I mean while we aren't sure of the next step, we wish we didn't have to think what if we failed...I'm not sure why I keep talking about failing this cycle and it has been this way since the day we did IUI. It wasn't used to be like that or perhaps I was expecting something different?

But expecting to fail...is half the battle lost right?

10DPIUI

It sure feels like eternity this 2WW and anyone trying would say the last couple of days is the hardest...that is it or is it not kills. And...I itchy finger went to test and hola, BFN.

Should I be disappointed? Especially after a super rough and emo night - I broke down infront of the Hubba who's always been so level headed about this. He reminded me Cyrus is a gift from God...and children are gifts. They are not a given.

I went on to have a sleepless night, and even went on to dream that AF had reported. Woke up with cramps like I did for the last couple of days and....TGIF? Gotta prep for AF to come then... :(

Sigh, this sucks..online forums are saying it's too early to test even at 10DPIUI but the last time we conceived I scored a BFP even before this...so why am I holding onto any false sense of hope? Cues the same conclusion I reached before, hope floats and hope sinks.

Back to planning the trip if we fail, it's sucha crazy irony. That I need something like that to distract my mind and part of me really wants to go on a trip. To celebrate failure?


13DPIUI


I took another PTK though part of me knew that we wouldn't succeed. And true enough, we didn't. The prayers have definitely made me stronger here...and it's funny how everytime I am trying for a child I hear stories from people I know or don't even know.


Now where do I start with this - I was rushing home on 10PIUI and deciding which carriage to take and the alert was sounded so I made a dash for the nearest cubicle and was eavesdropping on a particular conversation involving a fortune teller, fertility tree in nagano and...answered wishes.


It has been six months or slightly more trying and doing something for the desire. And...can I say it never gets easier.


So then out of curiosity I contacted a fellow TTC sister and I'm so thankful she entertained my queries...we discussed the big end in this. Where is it and what is considered enough. With IUIs and IVFs under her belt and not pregnant, I applaud her for all that courage and strength. It takes so much, just to be open with another and share like we understand each other's desperation.


I booked myself an appointment with a TCM and also scheduled another visit to Prof's, who knows maybe my 4th IUI could be the one? And then started reading up on IVF.


In between waiting for the period to end and the next CD12 scan with prof, I got myself seen by a TCM Physician and ended up with my first acupuncture session.


I didn't know what to expect honestly because I've never visited a TCM until that conversation with my gf and I thought why not? The physician asked me a host of questions before taking my pulse and concluding I had a weak bottom half? I'm not sure what that really translates too but I guess anything positive is a glimmer of hope for me.


She did a round of acupuncture and scheduled another one prior to my visit to Prof's.


CD12 scan and plans


Things were looking on plan with a 16.5 mm follicle so that means we still can squeeze an IUI on the day Hubba takes off. We always get the luck huh to rush for IUIs.


Friday - CD 12
Saturday - Ovidrel jab
Sunday - Accupuncture
Monday - Iui and acupuncture


We spoke of our future plans should this fail and I'm thankful Prof is confident IUI would still work for us because we did get pregnant on it before...and I expressed my interest in seeking alternative methods i.e. SO-IUI.


It is similar to IUI except I get prescribed clomid for 5 days and then jabs for the next 7? I'm feeling more chill about this cycle...maybe because I know my options and there are 2 more cycles? I don't know...sigh. The swimmers weren't great in numbers but it isn't the lowest I've had either so I really have to trust God on this to work his way on me.
I was chill this cycle and maybe because I had a backup plan...it didn't feel as frantic as the other cycles. Yet that said when AF reported, I still broke down.


May 2018


And it has been...a good 5 months in this. I somehow forget how much pain and tears went into trying to conceive Cyrus...and I wanna do all of this again. It's been double the number of IUIs, not to mention the disappointment. Third wasn't the charm, neither is the fourth and...I'm taking on the 5th and 6th as if...I don't have feelings.

I broke down, wept so hard I could hardly breathe properly. Do the tears ever stop? And disappointment and self pity? It's quite a vicious cycle and the first two days of AF has been the hardest. I always think with each failed cycle I get stronger, but when the same happens I crumble harder than before...I count my lost chances and think of the remaining few.

I wish I didn't have to think of what if we never made it. For sure at the start of these 6 tries I was so hopeful and never gave my chance to think...what if. Yet now, it's so real. It's as if beyond these 6, I really have no other option left and it eats me up.

Yesterday I looked at my sleeping son and then thanked god for him. We give thanks for him everyday but all these months have been caught up in trying for another...I could've just forgotten having him was not any easier.

After that emotional meltdown, I woke up with eyes so swollen I had trouble putting my contact lens in that morning...but guess what? It's a brand new day, new struggles, new hope...

No time to waste, let the tears dry and disappointment wane...today's the first day of my 5 day clomid cycle. I have to trust God for his plans, nothing is in vain...even if at the end of all these we do not get an additional member. And one fine day, all these would make sense to me.

"I will be still and know you are God."

Appointment with Prof Wong and my TCM physician booked...I just have to let this cycle run its course and pray hard God will hear my heart's desire and give me peace even if it's not in His plans now. 


5 days of Clomid is part of superovulation and intrauterine insemination (SO-IUI) that I was embarking on.


No side effects thankfully...In one of my conversations with my gf and we talked about more kids and it stung somehow...that planning wasn't a right of mine. Sure, I planned and it didn't work my way...won't it just be nice for once to plan and get there...as it should?


Day 7 - Scan and Gonal-f


The wait for Prof took longer than usual thanks to the inconsiderate patient who decided to take a long consult and affected all of us downstream. The follicles at Day 7 were going at 12mm, 9mm and 9mm. With just 3, hopefully they mature and ovulate to increase our chances.


Then I was told to collect my injectibles at the Centre for Human Reproduction (boy, that brought on a wave of emotions...). There were a lot of people by 915am and the waiting time for being 6th in queue meant a full hour's wait. I opted to return later in the day for them. Sigh, is this journey going to get longer?


Not sure why I'm extra emo this cycle, the drugs maybe? The visit to Centre or Human Reproduction was just...out of the norm..There's a mish mesh of thoughts and I really have to just get through this cycle and then...get down to the last of all these...to call it a day. I am hard on myself sometimes and this is one of those situations where what is the "best" I can do.

I headed back to the Centre of Human Reproduction later that day and waited almost forever until I saw a nurse to get my injectibles and she taught me how to jab myself. It was a very short yet comfortable encounter and she cracked jokes to set me at ease...I finally did and she volunteered to help check my egg reserves in system.  She frowned and then asked me how many times have I done IUI so I replied her 2 previously and now my 5th. Fact is, I thought I had my reserves checked before and she couldn't find any information so she replied "Are you still waiting for a miracle...?" It was a simple question that brought on a wave of emotions, some tears and I sobbed. For sure she continued about the spouse co-funding scheme available but that wasn't the point.

Boy it stung so hard, I held back those tears and finally just let it go at the taxi stand. Me, crouched in a corner, crying my heart out.

I believe in prayer, God and miracles. Is there any wrong in this though? Yeah for sure, she could've had her intentions misconstrued and it came out wrong...but it hurt so bad. The family was all hot and upset with the nurse and all I can do is give her the benefit of the doubt, hope never to meet her again and life really just goes on.

Is there such a thing as having a heart at work? I guess some occupations are predisposed to have more empathy than the rest...but does that mean you even need to be empathetic to work in those areas? 

I wish this is the first and last doing SO-IUI and even assisted contraception. I look forward to the day I wave all of these behind me and say I have graduated, it hasn't been easy but the life ahead has so much more than just this alone.



Day 8 - Gonal f, second jab


It's not easy inflicting pain to myself, and even with a practice I still had to summon enough courage to watch myself poke myself. HAHA, how grammatically incorrect that sounds. Until now, I wish I can pay another to jab me.




Day 9 - Gonal f, third jab


I figured my right is less painful than the left.


Day 10 - Gonal f, fourth jab


Three follicles growing well and I needn't do any bloodwork because we are on track. That's only necessary when we are over and under stimulated. Phew! Prof even joked that I have become expert - I wish I don't need to be better at jabbing myself, that just means more jabs.


I gave up TCM this cycle at this point because of clashing appointments...so...yeah just focusing on western medicines this cycle.


Day 11, Gonal f, fifth jab


I only remembered to jab myself at 845pm, it was sucha...moment of realization and thank god I was home. Flustered like crazy and I ended up poking myself where it hurt most to date. BOO.


Day 12, 6 follicles and a decision to make


I woke up to news of one of a friend's sister's twins not making it. Premmie but still...:( Multiples and the risks involved.


My appointment was first thing in the morning and Prof surprised me with some bantering, super unlike him and when Prof took longer than usual to scan - you know instincts tell you...he had something to say. And he did - we have to make a decision he finally said.


Turns out I have 6 follicles this time, I was to drop my Gonal-f dosage to just 25 and to return on Day 13 to see if we have to abort the cycle if the remaining 5 suddenly had a growth spurt. SIGH. After all the odds and risking a cycle Hubba won't be around I may have to abort somemore.


And pray is all I can do, no wonder I'm feeling the discomfort around the abdomen...how do people with 30-40 follicles during IVF deal with it!? This cycle is feeling a lot longer than I thought.. :(


Day 13, decision made, trigger shot


6 follicles still and 3 big ones (20, 17.5 and 16mm), 3 smaller at 12mm. I had two options even with proceeding -


Let nature take its course. Scan until I have ovulated then IUI will be the next day.


Schedule a trigger shot and proceed with IUI as planned.


The main difference is the controlled risk factor, for letting nature take its course - if nature meant for all 3 to pop then fine, it's nature. I am playing God by forcing all 3 to pop and then risk multiples. I guess the inherent risk with assisted and in particularly SO-IUI is that.


This cycle I will be administering the trigger shot myself..haha, that is what jabbing yourself consecutively does to my confidence level. It ain't all that bad...I hope.


I am quite the go getter and since day one, I knew my odds and going for assisted maximizes whatever chances I have. I have failed a cycle with more than 1 follicle, and obviously have succeeded with just 1 follicle too. For all I know, I may fail this too even with 3. So yes, let us try and see what this leads us to. There's almost nothing to lose and like the nurse rightly put though very harshly, I am waiting for my miracle.


The eventful trigger shot


My first time and I thought Gonal-f taught me well, I must've misheard the nurse when she said no need to turn like those jabs as there was just 1 dosage anyway. And I did the alcohol swipe, took a deep breath and jabbed. Then I waited...how was I to know when the liquid would be emptied? There was no sign.


I saw the jab area turning red and pulled out the needle, and did it again. and again..and I tried turning the knobs because I remember her saying it should be empty. A total of 4 pokes before I just decided to go see a doctor for this time sensitive jab. En route and with hands trembling I decided to re-read the instructions and there, I didn't read clearly, I should turn to 250 and then jab. And for the fifth, I finally got the job done and felt the worst I ever did in awhile.


"Courage isn't having strength to go on - It is going on when you don't have strength".

"God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." - favourite verse alert.


SO-IUI on CD 15...and after all the drama, I still had not ovulated at point of procedure. Swimmers were 70+M so...Prof said "very close to ovulation" so let's hope against all odds some magic is going to happen.


Duphaston was ordered for the next 15 days and I was to return the following week to see how I was faring. New protocols.


I spotted brown blood throughout the first 5 days.


CD22, 7DPIUI


I woke up to a horrible bad dream, I never ever ever want to be dreaming of it again...and they say vivid dreams are a sign of pregnancy too?


Prof basically touched my stomach and muttered "nice and soft", so I guess I wasn't bloated? But that summed by visit up. I got my order of Clomid just in case this cycle failed me...so well...


Itchy finger me decided to test and got the BFP but online says it really could be the trigger shot and a false positive because the drugs stay in the body for about 10-12 days. I tried not get overly excited...and well, even if I get the BFP the first trimester is still risky. SIGH.



June 2018

CD 23, 8PIUI


I saw the first splash of red, URGH. Was it too early for the menses though? Sigh. Was it because I did this and that and oh well, I am no stranger to disappointment though I admit part of my hopes are still kept high.

Splurged on a Clear blue test kit and it says positive still. Are the jabs and bed rest waiting for me? Shrugs. Or is the last cycle of SO-IUI waiting for me. Once again we are back at this and I really live on hope. The last month has been nothing but a ride and hope.


CD27, 13DPIUI
Period 1 day late and I tested with the first morning pee. Yep, my BFP was still there. Tried to make an appointment with Prof and was told the earliest would be CD33. 2 days without duphaston would be frightening so nope, I had to see him this week before my supple ran out. The nurse was skeptical about my being able to test so early (last pregnancy was like that leh!) and slotted me in on 15DPIUI. Let's keep our fingers crossed for this.


CD28, 14DPIUI
My BFP continued and part of me doesn't want to over dwell on this, maybe or maybe not? Having been through those harrowing 37 weeks and 4 days..part of me is still fearful of history. I am paranoid of the 500 things that can happen...and some days the spotting is heavier than the rest and...well, I just need to get some reassurance from Prof about this.


When I met him and he found out I had been testing since Day 7 he gave me the most quizzical of looks as if it was so foreign to him...and then shot me a couple more questions about it...and still I had to take a blood test to be sure and well, with the previous experience I knew what was in store for me.


It's odd how at the cashiering stage they based it on my pee test and declared me under new pregnancy when Prof himself was asking for blood work.


At 5ish closer to 6, I was informed that we were indeed pregnant and I had to start my jabs as before and then have a scan scheduled the next week.