Eat, drink and be married!

 

Not sure if anyone comes by anymore. But we're good! I wish Covid didn't happen and we had so much more we wanted to do - the countries, the experiences and memories we could have made together. 

We lost and gained relationships, the children are in a good place - 4 and 7 is definitely a fun age. They play well together, annoy the crap out of each other and we all want to send them back to school the moment we pick them up. 

When I started this blog I wish that it can be a space for me to store memories, but the way social media has become, the recent sharenting hooha has definitely made me rethink. If you know us, you'd definitely know where to find us..else stay tuned for my sporadic updates! Promise to be more regular. :)

Hope everyone is doing well this Year of the Rabbit - only good things!

 ~Review~

One of the must haves in my home is a purifier and thanks to all the years of haze, I have gotten acquainted with them. Infact, I already have two in my home and in such situations, the more the better so the whole house has cleaner air as opposed to selected areas. Especially with young children, we do what we can to minimise the chances of them falling ill - at any cost. 

 

We were sent the Cosmo Prime® Air Purifier + 3-in-1 HEPA filter and here's what worked for me:

It's SO quiet!

With just 20 dB. it's almost noiseless. There are ocassions I even forgot that it is actually busy clearning our air! 

Coverage Area: Up to 80m²

I cannot emphasise how important the capacity of the air purifier is. If I put an air purifier built for a small room into a much larger one, I am overworking it and it will not be able to effectively and efficiently filter air. This suits my living and dining area perfectly!  \

Sleek design

The design is so sleek and is built with an auto-adjusting fan function. Under the "Anion Mode", it releases negative ions to reduce stress and boost immunity! The rounded build edges help absorb particles from all over too! So much win here! 

True HEPA Filter (filters 99.97% of all particles) to filter PM2.5 and smaller particles

Note that a product is either HEPA or not HEPA, there should not be any “HEPA Type” and “HEPA Like” mention because these just means the product does not meet the High Efficiency Particulate Air standard.

The key purpose of having a HEPA filter is to be able to filter out 99.97% or more of all particles which are 0.3 microns (micrometers) in diameter. To put things in perspective, a human hair's diameter is approximately 50 micons and the human eye cannot see anything smaller than 40 microns. HEPA H13-H14 are within the highest tier of HEPA and are considered medical grade quality. HEPA H13 and H14 trap 99.95% and 99.995% of such particles, respectively.

Cosmo Prime® Air Purifier filters 99.97% of all airborne particles, allergens, dust, harmful chemicals, virus, hair, bacteria, dust mites, mould, skin flakes, pollen, spores, textile fibres, animal fur and volatile organic compounds. This list is as exhaustive as it can get - honestly, the more the merrier and I'm not complaining! 

 

Low Power Consumption

I love green appliances and since this is going to be turned on most of the day, if it does not conserve energy, the electricity bills will be high to maintain! 

The other service features that you can consider before getting one too!

20 Day Free Trial

I like this and it costs a reasonable amount of money so why not try and see if you like it else just return it! 

Free Same Day Delivery

Definitely loving this and the caveat is there is stock availability. At the height of haze most of the air purifiers were out of stock without a definite date for restocking and I was left with no choice but to just get any purifier available and still have to wait for an available delivery slot so this same day delivery is extra attractive.

5 Year Warranty

This is industry standard so it's good that they are honouring this 5 years too.  

Now, it's about sitting back and relaxing with cleaner air at home! 

12 Best Air Purifiers to Buy in Singapore

Best in Singapore:

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COSMO Air Purifiers:

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 ~Review~

 

Thanks to parenthood, I have no problems falling asleep every night. And thanks to parenthood, every single special occasion dedicated to us amazing mothers, I wish for more sleep. While sleep is a luxury, I am more than thankful if I get quality sleep.

I'm the sort who tests out the mattress and pillows before Covid-19 struck and thanks to the situation, being able to order my pillows online has to be the greatest blessing. No hassle no fuss and best of all, the germophobe in me is happy - testing mattresses is really quite a germy affair! Who knows if the person before me isn't a carrier of germs? 

 

Anyway, these Made in Germany Origin Superior Coolmax® Latex Pillows have been out of stock for the longest time. These highly popular latex foam pillows are denser than the usual memory foam or fibre. I love that it gets moulded to the shape of my head and gives such great sleep support. They claim that the pillow is able to hold its shape too for long!

 

Infused with their proprietary cooling gel formula, no more sweating on my pillows!

Another major plus point? The material is hypoallergenic, super important in these times especially.  

 

There is double protection too as this comes with a removable pillow cover and I drape another over for frivolous reasons like my pillow cases should match my mattress cover and comforter. 

There's loads more to love about Origin's pillows, there's a 7 day free return clause and comes with 2 years warranty. 

  

 Look who also loves these new pillows?

So with all these niceties about it, how did it survive the sleep test? The caveat is, I love my pillows softer, too firm pillows are not my thing and neither are downy pillows. So with that in mind, I had the best quality sleep in a darn long while. Slept like a baby, and possibly better than my babies. 

 

Still not sold, you really need to read up on the Best 8 Pillows in Singapore. 

Best in Singapore:

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Origin Mattress:

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 This is a sponsored review by YOON Salon. 

If one’s eyes are the windows to one’s soul, then one’s crowning glory would be the pride of any man.

I did not grow up with a pet dog and yearned very much for one so when Cyrus came along, I secretly hoped that he and our family dog will grow up together - except, deep down I knew time was finite. Our corgi was no longer a pup, neither a teen but an elder. When Cyrus was born, he was already 12 and truly, we were playing with time.

Cyrus' first fur friend and he took to him like a fish in water, from gesticulating excitedly to patting the glass door that separated them to wanting to feed him pellets and chasing him around the garden. July 2019 was his 14th birthday and we celebrated it as we always did over cake. Clearly there were ageing signs which we chose to ignore, it broke my heart when he could no longer run around or chase balls with the same enthusiasm as he could.

The decline there after was sharp and quick. He suddenly developed a lump on his hind paw, started limping to not walking, we had it surgically removed and he seemed fine and dandy. Then one day his ear infection started (AGAIN), sent him to the vet's and got him more meds. I guess he never got better from that and he preferred lying down mostly to sitting up and one day when he started heavily breathing, it was probably the beginning of the end. He had stopped eating and drinking, had sticky saliva and foamed at the mouth, lay flat and barely struggled when we lifted him to see the vet again - the second time in two days. He was immediately warded, blood test ran, put on the IV drip and we were given our options.

His kidneys were not functioning, there were kidney stones, arthritis was acting up and basically in a lot of pain. If we wanted to, we could consider daily dialysis when he was discharged. Euthanasia did cross our minds but it was a painful decision to make - how could we put down our fur brother? How could we?

From the time he was warded at 230pm to about 5, we received the call that he had left us. It was emotional. He chose to leave us and gained his angel wings 17 days after his 14th birthday.


 

We miss you, poppers. Your bird friends do too and so does Cyrus. He says you're in the hospital and never coming back...While we bade you farewell at the ward, seeing your lifeless body and frazzled hair, we know you fought hard, we've had our good years together. You were never quite a dog dog, more like a cat. I never had you run happily to me after school, nor snuggle up when I'm sad but you were special just like that. The closing of windows irritated you and you ran up and down the garden, you dropped out of training school in true hooligan fashion and never learned to pee and poo in designated areas...but you were our special first dog.

Fly high, run free...till we meet again. When we see a rainbow, that's you smiling back at us...right?

 


Dear Cyrus,

You are a big brother now...and this transition has been so tough for you. Mama knows and since blobbie's days you knew from day one that someone would be coming along and you already made it known to us you knew, in your little ways.

I know you feel lost, bewildered and all feelings of negativity no matter how hard we try to reassure you that nothing changes - we love you the same if not more, nobody's going anywhere but routines had to change.

You acted up before Celeste came along, actually the weeks leading up to her arrival and we all hoped this would pass faster than we know. The day she was born, you cried buckets when Popo showed you her first video and then developed a fever later that day. The first night she came back you cried so hard for Popo and Gong Gong, I cried along with you. We hugged each other to sleep but that did not stop you waking and screaming your head off. If only you knew, you knew how much it hurt me to see you cry...

You were less of yourself in school and the teachers all knew. :( Even at your combined birthday celebration with your friends you were mostly quiet, totally unlike the you that the aunties and uncles know. We prayed so hard that there'll be acceptance in your heart, slowly and surely my cheeky little boy will be back in action.

As much as mama wants a sibling for you to play and grow up with, I hope these intentions never get misconstrued.  You will always be our first born, that special individual who will not be judged because you're more mischievous, more cheeky...Routines may change, the order of doing things may change...our tone towards you may change but please always remember, we still love you like we did the day we discovered we are finally pregnant, we still love you like we never had children before....we still want to witness your every milestone the same way Mama documented those first 365 days with a photo everyday.

Two weeks on, we are definitely in a better place than when we started...baby steps all the way! It warms my heart when you ask for meimei the minute you reach home and while you expect her to be up and playing with you now, she will soon!

Love you more than you can comprehend and ever know,
Mama.

It took me almost a year to get Speckie's birth story out and I resolved not to let the same happen to XLB, here's hers.

I always have grand plans every weekend and even with the EDD drawing to a near, I did not want to concede defeat to the belly nor compromise on our weekend plans. 2 June came and I woke up feeling not so great - disrupted sleep is one and well it just did not feel right. We headed for soccer class, back for a nap and then headed for the Act 3i festival that I bought tickets way earlier and was definitely taking a chance on my own participation since Speckie arrived earlier than I intended.

After the play, I felt slight discomfort at the belly, ignored it and even went for a spot of shopping - oops, the cramps got more intermittent and I informed the Hubba we could be celebrating XLB's birthday today. Made our way home, showered, took my bumpfies, timed the contractions...even sat through dinner with the contractions coming in waves. Damn, my mom had my favourite chye poh kuay teow on the table and I barely ate. I even insisted on taking my last family photos before making our way to NUH.

The moment I sat in the car the contractions were irregular - chey! By the time we reached around 730pm, I was wheeled to the delivery suite (again, remember the false alarm) and then strapped on to monitor yet another 30-45 minutes for contractions and for the gynae to decide if I were really in labour and for the antibiotics drip to be administered.

It was ETERNITY in pain and thank god for my gynae who did the cervix check (and not some random MO like the last pregnancy). I kept repeating I wanted my epidural and when I got it, the relief was temporal. I could still feel the contractions not entirely but it was helluva painful. Asked to double the dose and even THEN, I was wincing in pain (argh). The last shot at this was when the anaesthesist warned that upping it further would mean I cannot feel a thing and it would be the equivalent of going for a csect kind of numb.

Turns out because of her position, the epidural probably could not numb my entire belly - boo! Now back to Strep B and the antibiotics drip I needed to administer for 4 hours so XLB would be protected whilst coming down the birth canal. The labour progressed too fast after epidural was administered, the waves of contraction were so close, there was no way (absolustely no way) I would have not taken epidural.

Gynae was called in sometime 3 hours later and moments before she entered, my waterbag burst with a 'pop' and a gush of water was felt. First time experiencing it actually and I barely needed to push, XLB crowned on her own with minimal tearing.

There endeth my second birth story, nothing dramatic but I wish she needn't be subject to all the jabs because the antibiotics were not administered enough.



 


Welcome to the world, little one. You complete us and to God be all glory, over and over and over again.  

Warning: LENGTHY entry ahead without pictures. 

I don't wish to begin this entry with...it was easier than expected. Because it wasn't. Not a single percentage easier trying to conceive again. The number of times I walked back into Women's Clinic and waited for my turn, seeing all the baby pictures again, all the bulging bellies, newborns in arms, even the same spot that I bawled my eyes at...it hurt and pricked so so so bad. I would not title this second pregnancy for the simple fact, Blobbie was the second. It just did not make it...and I'm not just about to ever forget about its existence. So, this is the third.


July 2018

Post surgery, I met up with Prof and he went through my records and sighed. I felt wretched. Even he felt sorry for what happened and probably did not know why it did. He advised to only restart the cycle after 3 rounds of menses so July, August, September and we'd restart in October.

August 2018

I had a followup visit with Prof and he prescribed a heavier dosage of Clomid for the next cycle. We were going to restart this entire process. I stood back at the same spot and really cried. Why am I back here, at square one? Why. Part of me knew God was listening and he will grant us our miracle, our rainbow baby. I even walked past our gynae's office and she was so encouraging about things, I still cherrily told her - I'd see you soon! (Deep down, I just did not know when...) September 2018 We had a trip planned to Hong Kong and things were hectic in September. I followed the fertility tracker and did not bother so much about the ovulation kits. It failed me in August so well, nothing to lose if we just took things as it is before we got all serious in October.


October 2018

I tested a few days prior to the period, BFN. Right. Three days before, it first registered as a BFN and slowly the faint line appeared. I could not believe my eyes. It took an entire week before the line got darker, the mild spotting started and I had to just get the Clear Blue kit with weeks indicated just to be a little surer? 3 days into my missed period, I decided to call and make an appointment. 4th day, I went for the bloodtest for HCG levels and we recorded a 700+ which was out of charts for the corresponding 4th week.

6 days after missing my period, I finally scored two dark lines on the kit. I had my puregon jab the following Monday and perhaps I already knew what to expect, it did not hurt as bad. However, going back to the corner brought tears to my eyes. The journey is long but I tell myself repeatedly to keep my eyes on the Lord, he will not forsake me and I have to trust in the plan he has.

And this has been the single praise and worship song that has repeating come up.

Won't You Lord take a look at our hands
Everything we have use it for Your plan

Won't You Lord take a look at our hearts
Mould it, refine it as You set us apart

We want to run to the altar and catch the fire
To stand in the gap between the living and the dead

Give us a heart of compassion for a world without vision
We will make a difference, giving hope to our land

We will answer the call to build this church without walls 
Let Your glory be shown Bring salvation to the lost, to the lost
We will make a difference, we will make a difference
We will make a difference, bringing hope to our land To our land, to our land, to our land

Somewhere between week 5 and 6 I experienced cramping and the first bleed this pregnancy. I panicked, collected my thoughts and made my way to A and E. To be fair and in all logic, nothing can be done at the moment. If an impending M were happening, it would anyway.

I am not saying having had a miscarriage before, I've become jaded. It is a sense of acceptance that if structurally it is not viable, maybe it is the better for all of us that the pregnancy ended this way. And definitely it will hurt like my insides got busted all over again, and definitely emotionally I will be very broken...yet, what else can I do except to trust Him and his plan?

I've come to think of the A and E to be some kind of tranquilizer, the bleeding ebbed and almost stopped at some point, no cramps and as if nothing of the bleed happened. I had a scan and saw the sac and the black blob and possible a little bit of attachment. Thank god it's in the uterus, not in the tubes and well, no heartbeat yet.

The second proluton jab administered and this time, it hurt really bad and brought back all the memories. All of it. Are there women who aren't physically strong enough for pregnancies? Had I known this path would be so difficult, would I have even thought of trying? Not to mention handling a sticky toddler who cannot comprehend why Mommy cannot carry, is not well, is...not the Mommy he has known all his life. My heart broke when I could not send him to school yet he so understandingly waved me good bye with a slight purse in his lips. Baby Boy, I wish I had a better body to deal with pregnancies and not have to morph into an inactive me.

To think I though natural conception would have changed the way the pregnancy would progress.

The first scan at 5 weeks 3 days, we saw the gestational sac and fetal pole and a couple of cysts and corpus luteum which caused some alarm in the sonographer's office. No heartbeat yet and a scan was scheduled 2 weeks later.

5 weeks 4 days, heavier spotting. Emotionally I get my highs and lows and it has become clear to me that regardless assisted or natural, the body probably responds to it with spotting. And that's just something I cannot change...I do my best with all the drug goodies and leave the rest to God.

Dear God,

We commit this pregnancy into your hands. There is no big problem that you cannot solve..there is no big worry that you have not heard of. We pray for the pregnancy to be developing well, spotting and bleeding to stop and for your name to be exalted every single day. We let go and let God take over because there is none other name that we should be proclaiming but yours.

Take every fear and worry away because you are the God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. I fear not, worry not and cry not because I have you.

To God be all glory, great things you have done.

Amen.


The spotting lasted a good week and more. 6 weeks seems like a long way more actually and while I am leaving things to God, part of me still worries the what if. Wouldn't it be nice if we are at Week 37 already. I developed a rash at my ankles and it lasted all of 4 good days with medication.
..
6 weeks 3 days I first had that metallic taste in my mouth.

November 2018

7 weeks, 8 weeks and finally 9 weeks. I was so emotional the day I took my 6th jab, for whatever reasons. Tears welled up and I was sobbing in the clinic. Part of me feared the past, we lost blobbie sometime in between 8-9.5 weeks and inevitably I could not remove that part of history...and a friend shared with me 10 scriptures for fighting fear in pregnancy. 

"The Lord gives his people strength. The Lord blesses them with peace." Psalm 29:11. 

Amen, amen, amen. 

The food cravings have been consistently odd - cheese and seaweed sandwich, banmian (heaps of it), noodles in general makes me a happy girl, tuna sushi and anything tuna! (I caved into tuna croissant the next day). 

I lost sleep over the scan scheduled on 9 weeks 3 days...hmm, the previous miscarriage definitely has a shadow over me and it robs the pregnancy of some joy unfortunately. So I was holding my breath and watching Prof was he scanned and then turned the screen towards us. There my little beanie and its flickering heartbeat was on the screen. Stay safe and grow well! Gagging this week and it ain't fun at all. Dinner is all a game of zombiehood...I stuck with soups just to get through them and end up ravenous by 11. What sorcery.

December 2018


I graduated from Prof's clinic before the end of year and commemorated it with 5 vials drawn for the igene test.

The weight had not soared like the previous time in the first trimester, I did my week 12 scan and then the igene test because hooray this more comprehensive option is now available and I could also tell the gender! WHEE. It took three weeks before I got the call with the results and I actually missed the call. That arduously long wait till the next day before I could hear it with my own ears!

So then it was just me and my mom who knew first...and because I intended to do a gender reveal, I kept Hubba in the dark. HAHA.

Leg cramps first experienced!

January 2019


Spotting only started stopping and resuming and stopping again sometime in the 17th week and I was not unduly worried because the previous blood clot was still showing up.


The post meal pukes continued, though not in the same vengeance as the first tri...we do have a picky baby on hand!


Sometime early January I decided to do a gender reveal...well for the heck of it and here's how we did it!

The puking continued till 19 weeks and spotting kind of stopped (well on and off and alot lighter than before)...I guess we have a baby who isn't too keen on food!

February 2019

Chinese new year came and went and I managed to hide the bump from relatives - HAHA. I've never been one to dress it anyway. Time does fly alot faster with a toddler and another bun in the making, yet I try to remember our weekly milestones like I used to.

Shopping wise, I barely budged till 24 weeks to buy anything at all for XLB, our little dumpling with pork fillings because Year of the Pig? HAHA.

March 2019

Booked our maternity, FRESH48 and newborn shoot. Having to cancel it in Blobbie's time was heartbreaking so I decided to only approach them after 24 weeks...just so you know?

My GD test was scheduled for the week of 27 and I actually passed it!!!! It is incredibly joyful to be able to clear it when I have a history and was all prepared to fail it and get pricked for the rest of the pregnancy. Suddenly a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and not that I had free reign to eat as I please but the mental stress was gone. PHEW. Now, I had to watch what I eat still so the weight gain will not rocket. So I had two humongous bruises to remember this GD test by, afterwhich I learnt that my veins run so the "butterfly" method would help with bruising for all future blood withdrawals.

Last tri and it is getting real when the twoddler throws terrible tantrums including those that end with "I don't want mei mei". It is tough managing his expectations and being preI'pared for more chaos - with the first pregnancy, I definitely had alot more time to myself to keep my emotions in check but with two, somehow I have been letting my own emotions take over the way I handle the twoddler - lots of mum guilt moments here.

I'm not sure if we are ready for her - or will we ever and actually now is what I am enjoying, the peace of a meal though C has been regressing and asking to be fed at meals when he can completely self feed. Oh well, come what may!

So far it's been a comfortable pregnancy with occasional round ligament pains, leg cramps but nothing I cannot handle.


April 2019

Are we in the last trimester already? :( Time really flies this time round or because I'm so engaged with the twoddler time does fly so much...even my Gynae commented it is alot faster this time round. No major complaints actually...the round ligament pains, tightening of the bump, it feels alot more cramped inside at times. There are on and off episodes of puking but way better than the start.

So far sleeping has been a-okay, though there are days I wake up two hourly to pee. Not having GD has definitely made this journey alot happier though the same cannot be said of the weight gain - just slow down please!

Whooping cough vaccine taken and boy was my arm feeling the ache thereafter.

My first stash of girl clothes arrived and it is getting real, we are having a girl!

I experienced the worst episode of round ligament pain of my life the day we turned 30 weeks. It was a nagging pain that did not go away no matter how I tried to make myself comfortable - definitely did not help I was in half day training and while I tried to restrict movement, it was just so terrible. I prayed, I rubbed the tummy, well if any consolation it went away after 2 days and then I got hit by a bad bout of indigestion. What the irony.

9th April is a day I'd remember actually - C told his teachers all about Meimei in my tummy and they verified with me the next day just to make sense of his tales (haha this boy tells stories like it's the holy gospel truth). Why memorable? Because he is finally willing to talk about his sibling to someone outside family and so far his responses to us has not been to most positive. Baby steps!

He has been more accepting of Meimei and even declared she is called "Ling Ling" (NOT TRUE) to his teachers and said he will share his bath tub with her. "She bathes first and when she is finished, I can use it." O MY HEART.

1 day short of 32 weeks, water retention hit my fingers. BOO. The ring finger can no longer fit the wedding band without being too tight and...sigh pie. Cannot complain can I since the last pregnancy it did hit me alot earlier. Surprisingly, it disappeared shortly after.

The day before we welcomed May I had one incident of brown spotting and it set me into a mode of panic - what is happening again? Had I not waved goodbye to the whole episode of pregnancy related spotting this lifetime? So off to A and E to be checked and when I was whisked off to the Delivery Suite, it felt intimidating. I was not ready for any of this. Cervix checked, CTG strapped on and XLB was squirming and resisting the belly band the whole time I was being monitored. All in an hour I was up and about and sent home. PHEW.

May 2019

My 33.5 weeker bump is looking alot more pronounced this month and people have been commenting. RAH. Project #hidethebump fail.

Completing my maternity shoot at 34 weeks + 2 days had to be a milestone, we've come so far and finally had our photos taken a photographer duo that I've been eyeing since Blobbie's time...it was emotional for me.

It's getting alot tighter at the girth and I'd definitely be more comfortable lying down than sitting up - the countdown to 38 weeks starts! Eating more frequently too though the puke fests did not stop, kimchi and spice strangely triggers them. BOO.

I finally decided to do some packing and charging of my breastpump - reality is hitting me and when those cupboards for XLB finally arrived, it felt so real. Life is only going to get more chaotic.

Week 36 came and so did the water retention...not at all fun though I really should not complain since it only hit me this late, this time round. Insomnia too and rawr, it really sucks. I'm feeling a whole lot more 3D but I guess these days will end so soon, I may just miss having her inside. Pink spotting and I actually panicked.

I've been telling her to only come out in June, let's see what happens! 9 more days to June yet it feels so far away at times. Hospital bag packed, her wardrobe filled with necessities and I guess we are kind of ready? Part of me is dreading restarting the midnight pumps and losing any form of sanity.

That said I have been indulging in Venchi's hazelnut icecream cones and dreaming of that cup of brown sugar boba milk just before I pop!

37+3 and not only did I have brown and pink blood streaks in my discharge, during the CTG, we detected irregular contractions, XLB was "happy inside" as termed by the nurses though I am already 1 cm dilated. With just 5 days to go before 1 June, I'm not so sure if we'd make it till the end of the week. Damn! I guess it is a countdown afterall...Cyrus' time was 37+4 and I'm left with a day to see if she'd follow her brother.

37+4 was when I delivered C and the day came and went without any signs of XLB arriving so I guess we have passed her brother's due date then! Onward to week 38! This already debunks any myths that the second will be earlier than the first and so on.. this countdown is causing me some nerves and disrupting my sleep. Does not help that the braxton hicks are getting more frequent and I am getting so annoyingly large.

Week 38 came and went and I was secretly relieved we made it closer to June. Part of me wished that we could go even further but with the Hubba travelling the week of 39, it may not be all that feasible to bake so long.

June 2019

XLB arrived right on in June, June 2 at 38+2 weeks. More on that later, meanwhile...let me inhale and enjoy this newborn phase all over again.

This entry took really long to write and we finally made it. It has been a ride, an all too emotional ride that I will never forget. Praise God for all his blessings and I'd be back to share more!

We finally paid Tayo Station a visit after utilising our Pororo Park passes and the first thing that C did when he entered was to make his way to the TV screen and stood there for a good 5 minutes. Talk about being hugely deprived.





Hi there cutie, what are you orchestrating?




Picking his automobile! The great thing about going in early is when the attractions are not too crowded and there is no time limit either/





Vroom, vroom and off he goes.




Clearly the automobiles did not interest him long enough before he decided mounting these walls and pose for me. Face palm moment.




Besides the hinoki pool that he was not so keen on anymore (probably an overdose at Pororo Park!), he found joy in these toddler slides.



It was not before long before he took on the slides and obstacle course which burnt most of his energy, from the kid sized flying fox to more challenging slides.

C had heaps of fun but within 2 hours we were almost done and it would have been nice to have a Meet the mascot session.

As much as possible, I've been exposing C to the world of theatre regularly. Partly because I enjoy them myself and hopefully he starts to appreciate it too. So off to The Very Hungry Caterpillar play! I actually overlooked that it also included other tales and I had not gotten those two other tales to read to him prior - woe is me when he saw the moon and started crying. Argh, boys!




Us before the play began!

What makes this production different from the others attended is, the actors actually address the crows after the show to share tips and take questions. What's more? Our tickets included a back stage tour too!




The actors were so gracious in showing us all their stage tricks and letting the kids go near these prized props!



Not to mention take a gadzillion photos.

Well, one down and cannot wait for our next theatre adventure!

Popcorn it was this month, because I really ran out of ideas what to make him and I was wary this picky eater may just turn his nose up on my donuts if I attempted. So yes, someday homemade donuts but until then he was SO THRILLED to be given his own baby popcorn since we have been dangling Garrett's and denying him. Bad assed parents.



2 months shy of threenager and the horrors are real.

• PINK everything is up his alley. Pink boxers, food, fruit, drinks, bottles...everything he wants has to be pink and there's so much that "I'll buy it later" will get me. DAMN. 
• The art of negotiation has taken a new spin. "Later" is always met with "But I want it now." Someone save me. The before and after I am sure he understands but he chooses to take me head on. 
• Conversationally he has progressed with his chinese language and I hope that remains since we are down to the last 10 months of his chinese immersion programme in school. 
• He's gotten pickier this month for some awakening reason, "I only want goat's milk in a packet", "No vegetables!" (thank goodness weekends are still a breeze with feeding him anything, weekdays always gets him spoilt...) 
• So far no huge picky fights over outfits, he still lets me dress him. Only the shoes he wears to school has been causing us some morning pain - sandals over shoes always. LIKE WHY. 
• He's been off diapers in school for abit now, we are taking things slow for this...it will come and happen when he's ready so I'm all good. 
• "Ah Gong, you go and die." The first time I heard it, my heart broke. Here's my little boy using "death" as part of a statement and we had to explain why he should not say it and hopefully not scare him the reality of it. 
• Night terrors have taken centre stage this month and we're not sure if it has to do with the numerous milestones he is hitting (toilet training, weaning of milk etc...or...)  or really his mind is too active. 

Very early on during Speckie's time I already knew what I'd call my next foetus, blobbie. When we discovered speckie it was right on time at 4 weeks plus a few days and how ironic was it is when we discovered blobbie, it was actually at 7 weeks 5 days instead of 4 weeks over. Had I missed a whole month?


GASP.


I did and thanks to the sonographer, I had the rudest shock of my life. Amongst all the cysts that made its way back into my uterus.


I saw the blob, and the beating heart panels. It had a heartbeat and it was no longer the worries of seeing a sac, fetal pole and the waterbag. We had progressed without me knowing and all the wine, sashimi and herbs I have taken.


So here we are, starting this chapter at 7.5 weeks.


Bloatedness plagued me. The whole gassy and the more I fart the more fart I have is just the grossest feeling on earth.


Spotting..I am no stranger to this but this still irked me. I don't expect it to stop anytime within the first tri...and well, one can only hope right? I made a visit to A and E just for a peace of mind on Week 7 day 4 and we saw blobbie and its heartbeat. There was no active bleeding and the doctor gave me a day's mc. All seemed to develop the way Speckie did so I was not overly worried though the people around me had other opinions about spotting  in general.

I was thankful to miss the first worrying 4 weeks, about having a fetal pole, about finding the heartbeat at week 5 and now I just have to battle spotting until first tri is over. I even had the usual oil jab on that Week 7 day 4. I was a tad bummed about not being able to capture my bump shots earlier like week 4 considering this is my last pregnancy.

Week 8 day 4, I had the scheduled appointment with Prof and even planned to head back to work after it. No weight gain phew! I was hoping to keep everything the same as the last pregnancy and without any morning sickness meant my appetite was decent. I managed to be seen ahead of time even, yay! He came in, greeted us and turned on the machine, did the scan and didn't say a word. Quite uncharacteristic actually. Without turning the monitor over, he said he's going to arrange a visit with the fetal care unit because his machine was not high definition enough and he could not see the heartbeat clearly.

Weird because back in Cyrus' time I saw his heartbeat flickering so strongly...and even at that point I did not panic or think anything otherwise about it. With no prior appointment, the wait at Fetal Care was painfully long and I read a total of 32 chapters of the book of psalms. Did anything get in? I'm not sure but I was very calm.

I got called to the room, and was attended to by a A/P and not the usual sonographer. She first did a tummy scan and then transvaginal and reaffirmed Prof Wong's suspicions. Early fetal demise she classified on the report and there I saw with my own eyes, there was no heartbeat. Blobbie was just there and all of 2.1cm. Tears did not even start until I thanked her and left the room.

We lost Blobbie, and that was a fact. When? Why? What happened? I don't know and...what is the point of finding answers even.

Back to Prof's room and this time, I was a bag of emotions. 

Prof gave me three options,

Let the body miscarry naturally with a 20% success.
Insert Cycotec and induce a miscarriage with a 80% chance of a complete miscarriage.
Go for a D and C with a 90% chance.

Rationally I decided to go with the second, dealing with being in the maternity ward is just too much. Neither could I deal with blobbie dead and inside and keeping it with me. With the pills I had to insert every 3 hourly and there were 5 doses. I googled the expected reactions and even prepped menstrual panadol to deal with the cramps. Some say it is so massive like contractions.

1st dose - Mild cramps. Light spotting. First wipe I had a clot and a white blob, I wonder if it were blobbie. It could have been the membrane that fell into the WC, I cannot be sure though.

2nd dose - Mild cramps, heavier bleeding.

3rd dose - Mild cramps. One of the tablets fell into the WC and 2 more from god knows which dose also fell out.

4th dose - Mild cramps.

5th dose - Diarrhea.

All 10 tablets later there was no insane cramping or gush of blood. Had I actually miscarried already? What had happened? The more I read the more I concluded I probably need another dosage and even worse a D and C. I even had a wild thought - would I actually see blobbie's heartbeat again? Could it be a miraculous misdiagnosis?

2 days after the diagnosis I saw Prof and he confirmed I had actually miscarried and there was no more fetus.

The episode does not fully end - my HCG levels need to be monitored to ensure they are back to zero and all in takes 3 weeks.  It took me way longer than 3 weeks, infact almost 6 to zero-rise the levels.


Here's one quote that made this journey a tad less sad - "Babies lost in the womb were never touched by fear, they were never cold, never hungry, never alone and most importantly always knew love."

Yes it is true, we were all ready to welcome a baby and ended up adding an angel. I will never forget this and though it was that short a while, those two weeks were really happy for all of us and I wish you knew, how much you were loved.





So raw, so real, so to the point and it's just painfully beautiful. And maybe that is what this is, heaven needed blobbie more than me. This entry was originally titled 'First Trimester with Blobbie" and since we never made it out of the first, this is for you Blobbie. Fly high in heaven, till we meet again.

If life hadn't thrown me IF, I would have timed my children 3 years apart. I joked about having 3 before and having 2 girls and 1 boy though the most ideal situation is to have all girls.


Ideals aside, I did not rule out getting pregnant again within the first year but I let breastfeeding the first born take priority.


Of course I wish I had a text book conception process..I mean I still do. And I have to be fair to myself and age that my chances declines with age if I yearned for more children. Nobody likes going through all the tests, finding the issues and seeking solutions that are invasive.



IVF is at the back of my mind, always has been actually and that would be the lastest resort. I guess being mentally prepared is always better than none and that somehow eliminates surprises or shocks along the way. Like how one can never be fully prepared for parenthood, same goes for journeying into parenthood.


September 2017


I made a routine visit to my gynae for papsmear and just to catch up and she so kindly got me linked up with my endocrinologist and plans were on paper to stop breastfeeding, get the menses back and then see him again. Infact, I was abit emotional about having to stop breastfeeding altogether and then...Somewhere down the lines of weaning, re-welcoming AF after a grand two years of absence and seeing my gynae again, I was open to the idea of heading for assisted contraception again.


It was an open date, I was to return to see Prof Day 12 of Cycle 2 and starting a new job somehow did not make that so feasible.


December 2017


With the husband's clashing schedules and me taking things a tad slower and "nature take its course", things still did not happen and we found ourselves in the office of Prof Wong (yet again) and I was actually so keen to have the IUI that month because my follicles looked good.


And as if luck is never on my side and never will be, the Hubba was scheduled to fly and we had to sit out that month's IUI. BOO.


Part of me was bummed, part of me was thankful because of my history of having such a difficult pregnancy, I definitely do not want to miss our Christmas holiday!


January - February 2018


My menses arrived earlier than usual and that had us in quite a fix.


CD 12 came, I saw Prof Wong, scheduled IUI was on CD 16 or 18 depending on follicle size. And HERE is the double whammy; our infectious diseases blood work was last done in 2015. They had expired. We both had to get the tests done before CD 16, it takes a day for the lab to release the results and er...the Hubba was only back on CD 14. Unless the blood test was done on CD 14 or 15, it may very well be another month out of the window.


And...? Hubba was due to fly on the afternoon of CD 18. HURHUR. Cyrus was conceived on CD 18 and I can only wish and pray so hard everything was on schedule and for once in my entire life - follicles please don't grow so fast!


Can we get any more dramatic?

My scan on CD 14 showed we were scheduled for iui on CD 18 and here's the catch, I had to get jabbed on CD16 between 5-8pm. Saturday, GP? And there was a dinner appointment to deal with. I am actually not liking how much drama there is in this cycle. But...anything for another shot at being a mother again?


The drama continued on the actual day, Hubba arrived too early at the clinic and by the time I had the procedure a good two hours later, Prof Wong muttered good luck and pre empted that two eggs had popped, we had a good chance at multiples. I panicked at the thought of that but well, blessings right? Given it was Chinese new year, I still thought maybe this would be our last year celebrating as a family of three.


I tried not to symptom spot and I still did and unfortunately, AF reported right on the dot of CD 26. I was still counting on some birthday luck here - too bad. I would say I am disappointed but it did not bite me like it used to. Perhaps with a 19.5 month old zapping me of all the energy, I did not focus on it as much as before and...I guess that helps?


At some point I considered - maybe having one child for life was not such a bad idea afterall. Would it even hurt? Can I live with it?


The reality of it sunk deeper and by end of day I was a miserable mess vis a vis two years back. When one hopes, one gets disappointed and it's not like just because I already have one, makes this sense of disappointment any lesser.




March 2018


So...second shot at this. Were we gonna be lucky on the second try? The curve balls this cycle? Hubba was due to fly on the afternoon of CD17, I could not risk an IUI on CD 18. Else it would mean sitting out again.

CD 12 was a Sunday, I booked an appointment on CD 11, there were 3 follicles spotted.
Second scan appointment was scheduled for CD 14 and by then I was left with just 1 follicle at 15.5mm. With the Hubba flying out on CD17 I was left with...not much choice if the follicles hadn't grown as large as they should by CD 15. That visit was horribly emo, I saw a couple sitting in the room with C's thank you note pasted on the cupboard. I wonder how many couples actually looked at him and thought to themselves - will they have an equally cute baby like him?

And it's just hard, even the second shot at this...that I still look at all the baby pictures and wonder...what if we don't succeed at this. Will the family of 4 be but a dream?

I returned end of day, ate my eggs (I'm not sure what made me religiously eat 2 boiled eggs everyday, must've been the TTC chat I joined years back...), got scanned again and hooray the follicle was nice at 18mm. The Ovidrel 250 was administered sitting up (lying down would've been more comfy!) and there IUI was scheduled 11am of CD 17. Everything was in place - and while I wish I had more follicles at this...Thank God for a really good number of swimmers, we are keeping our fingers crossed.

And mistake is...symptom spotting again. I cannot help it, as much as it really isn't healthy.

I bought pregnancy test kits for early detection and on the first day of my missed period, it came up negative. Sigh...another chance lost? The stakes are high on this one....with such good numbers for the swimmers, was it my own egg that failed me? :(


And 3 days, I lived in the hope that we could've succeeded this try. Even my drippy nose that the GP classified as a sinus hinted at a pregnancy rhinicitis. That things were going to be so different because no spotting, just a horrible nose that kept dripping and I slept well and all. I even went on to think about - if we conceived this cycle baby would be here by November and maybe that means by December or even April I could do a trip to Japan for...sakuras?


It went so far to the point of, maybe I can get a customized dress with both their hand prints and foot prints on it for CNY and it would be a one of a kind piece. Or maybe we could all dress in the same prints...and my family of four would be complete before I was 35.


I think sometimes I indulge the mind way too much and...it goes on a mind of its own. Pun intended. I should have listened to that failed pregnancy kit? I mean, it already said I wasn't pregnant and even if my period has never been late, there's no guarantee there will not be a first. Right?


The husband and I then had a discussion on where's the end in these...the assisted contraception? Was it going on forever? Where's that final try that we go - here's it, if it doesn't work then let's just be happy with three. At the start of the journey, having one was a big question mark even...and now we talk about two? Why aren't I just contented with one. Why do I need another even to consider it perfect?


Humans.


I'm not quite sure if I want April here so quick for that finale. It's almost saying to myself - this is it, no more. We are not taking this one step furthest. I spoke about IVF as the furthest but we aren't gonna embark on it. Maybe someday I will regret, and maybe someday I will not.


Reality bites again, two years later. I have more swimmers but the same disappointing outcome.


說不哭 on repeat. :'( I hate watching myself on repeat - what has changed? I have not grown to deal with disappointment any better and truly, this sucks so bad. Why did I think it would get easier? So naïve really. While it is true with 1 child already, it helps with distraction but at the end of the day, we have not progressed (and this is me being so hard on myself).


Would having 2 children define me better as a mother? Would it complete, really? Or is it just that image in my head that I am trying to fulfill that 4 is always better than 3. Can 3 not be equally perfect?


My Day 12 scanning is scheduled for March 31, so yes please let March end already with some hope! At this point, I am feeling like infertility really sucks. I was a warrior and now I'm back in this battle ground fighting for my right to have another. Let me concentrate on God's plan for me and in his time, in his plan...will I find that wisdom to fathom all there. I need to know that he allows conception, the same way he withholds conception...and my favourite verse since infertility struck remains "“Every good and perfect gift is from above...” (James 1:17)


April 2018

Easter Sunday ovidrel 250 ordered, IUI was scheduled on CD 14, how early this cycle and just 1 follicle. Numbers weren't great at 50+M swimmers, the lowest of our three tries and I let emotions consume me. Why would this even work? When I've had numbers three times the amount, more than this even and none worked. So why should it work?

Prof as usual was all smiles, he told me to come back in 3 weeks for a pregnancy test. He didn't mention the alternatives if we failed unlike the last 2 cycles. Shrugs, I hope it works for us.

Having used medisave twice already, I was in for a realization that if we embark on IVF, it would be at a lower subsidy of 4K instead of 6K, meaning more cold hard cash on the table.

Let go and let god. It took me a long while to come to terms with this.

I'm not sure where we are headed in this. I read up on the optimal number of cycles for success and why 3? Not 4, 5, 6? So the cumulative success rates actually plateaus after the 3rd try and for my given age group, it's a cumulative 25% chance. And it's 40% for those aged 20 and below. Hurhur. Age...

I'm glad I considered seeking help this early, I'm glad I was wilful and today I have Cyrus. But it still eats me. Is this the best I can do for him, us...and myself? Am I asking too much even?

2ww, kill me please. I will try not to symptom spot but we all know, all of us IF warriors know how tempting it is and the only thing that keeps us sane and alive is those two lines on the pee test.

I tried turning my attention to planning for our Sakura trip next year...I mean there has to be an end point in this right? I cannot be insisting my way...and with 35 looming, those chances take another nose dive. :(

Why won't I trust God completely, really. The only difference this time, Hubba isn't rushing to fly off and I am sucha emotional mess. No more binge eating of eggs, no more thinking what if I get pregnant....just be over 2ww.


8DPIUI


I decided to plan trips for us, as if, cushioning the impact of another failed cycle. I have been praying for God to intervene. When it isn't time, give me the wisdom to accept this gracefully and move on...and maybe that was what I did. Damn the 2 weeks, I finished my itinerary within 2 days.


The big question of what's next keeps looming. And I really wish I had answers. The Hubba reminded me, we still have a lovable little boy...what if we were doing this without him?


I tried not to symptom spot...I felt the usual tweaks, mid cycle cramps, the creamy cms and all...but weren't all these what I experienced the last 2 cycles? Good lord, I really need to work on letting go and completely letting god.

9DPIUI

The Hubba says his travel dates may clash with the next IUI so that means we are sitting out the next cycle regardless...and part of me felt sad. I mean while we aren't sure of the next step, we wish we didn't have to think what if we failed...I'm not sure why I keep talking about failing this cycle and it has been this way since the day we did IUI. It wasn't used to be like that or perhaps I was expecting something different?

But expecting to fail...is half the battle lost right?

10DPIUI

It sure feels like eternity this 2WW and anyone trying would say the last couple of days is the hardest...that is it or is it not kills. And...I itchy finger went to test and hola, BFN.

Should I be disappointed? Especially after a super rough and emo night - I broke down infront of the Hubba who's always been so level headed about this. He reminded me Cyrus is a gift from God...and children are gifts. They are not a given.

I went on to have a sleepless night, and even went on to dream that AF had reported. Woke up with cramps like I did for the last couple of days and....TGIF? Gotta prep for AF to come then... :(

Sigh, this sucks..online forums are saying it's too early to test even at 10DPIUI but the last time we conceived I scored a BFP even before this...so why am I holding onto any false sense of hope? Cues the same conclusion I reached before, hope floats and hope sinks.

Back to planning the trip if we fail, it's sucha crazy irony. That I need something like that to distract my mind and part of me really wants to go on a trip. To celebrate failure?


13DPIUI


I took another PTK though part of me knew that we wouldn't succeed. And true enough, we didn't. The prayers have definitely made me stronger here...and it's funny how everytime I am trying for a child I hear stories from people I know or don't even know.


Now where do I start with this - I was rushing home on 10PIUI and deciding which carriage to take and the alert was sounded so I made a dash for the nearest cubicle and was eavesdropping on a particular conversation involving a fortune teller, fertility tree in nagano and...answered wishes.


It has been six months or slightly more trying and doing something for the desire. And...can I say it never gets easier.


So then out of curiosity I contacted a fellow TTC sister and I'm so thankful she entertained my queries...we discussed the big end in this. Where is it and what is considered enough. With IUIs and IVFs under her belt and not pregnant, I applaud her for all that courage and strength. It takes so much, just to be open with another and share like we understand each other's desperation.


I booked myself an appointment with a TCM and also scheduled another visit to Prof's, who knows maybe my 4th IUI could be the one? And then started reading up on IVF.


In between waiting for the period to end and the next CD12 scan with prof, I got myself seen by a TCM Physician and ended up with my first acupuncture session.


I didn't know what to expect honestly because I've never visited a TCM until that conversation with my gf and I thought why not? The physician asked me a host of questions before taking my pulse and concluding I had a weak bottom half? I'm not sure what that really translates too but I guess anything positive is a glimmer of hope for me.


She did a round of acupuncture and scheduled another one prior to my visit to Prof's.


CD12 scan and plans


Things were looking on plan with a 16.5 mm follicle so that means we still can squeeze an IUI on the day Hubba takes off. We always get the luck huh to rush for IUIs.


Friday - CD 12
Saturday - Ovidrel jab
Sunday - Accupuncture
Monday - Iui and acupuncture


We spoke of our future plans should this fail and I'm thankful Prof is confident IUI would still work for us because we did get pregnant on it before...and I expressed my interest in seeking alternative methods i.e. SO-IUI.


It is similar to IUI except I get prescribed clomid for 5 days and then jabs for the next 7? I'm feeling more chill about this cycle...maybe because I know my options and there are 2 more cycles? I don't know...sigh. The swimmers weren't great in numbers but it isn't the lowest I've had either so I really have to trust God on this to work his way on me.
I was chill this cycle and maybe because I had a backup plan...it didn't feel as frantic as the other cycles. Yet that said when AF reported, I still broke down.


May 2018


And it has been...a good 5 months in this. I somehow forget how much pain and tears went into trying to conceive Cyrus...and I wanna do all of this again. It's been double the number of IUIs, not to mention the disappointment. Third wasn't the charm, neither is the fourth and...I'm taking on the 5th and 6th as if...I don't have feelings.

I broke down, wept so hard I could hardly breathe properly. Do the tears ever stop? And disappointment and self pity? It's quite a vicious cycle and the first two days of AF has been the hardest. I always think with each failed cycle I get stronger, but when the same happens I crumble harder than before...I count my lost chances and think of the remaining few.

I wish I didn't have to think of what if we never made it. For sure at the start of these 6 tries I was so hopeful and never gave my chance to think...what if. Yet now, it's so real. It's as if beyond these 6, I really have no other option left and it eats me up.

Yesterday I looked at my sleeping son and then thanked god for him. We give thanks for him everyday but all these months have been caught up in trying for another...I could've just forgotten having him was not any easier.

After that emotional meltdown, I woke up with eyes so swollen I had trouble putting my contact lens in that morning...but guess what? It's a brand new day, new struggles, new hope...

No time to waste, let the tears dry and disappointment wane...today's the first day of my 5 day clomid cycle. I have to trust God for his plans, nothing is in vain...even if at the end of all these we do not get an additional member. And one fine day, all these would make sense to me.

"I will be still and know you are God."

Appointment with Prof Wong and my TCM physician booked...I just have to let this cycle run its course and pray hard God will hear my heart's desire and give me peace even if it's not in His plans now. 


5 days of Clomid is part of superovulation and intrauterine insemination (SO-IUI) that I was embarking on.


No side effects thankfully...In one of my conversations with my gf and we talked about more kids and it stung somehow...that planning wasn't a right of mine. Sure, I planned and it didn't work my way...won't it just be nice for once to plan and get there...as it should?


Day 7 - Scan and Gonal-f


The wait for Prof took longer than usual thanks to the inconsiderate patient who decided to take a long consult and affected all of us downstream. The follicles at Day 7 were going at 12mm, 9mm and 9mm. With just 3, hopefully they mature and ovulate to increase our chances.


Then I was told to collect my injectibles at the Centre for Human Reproduction (boy, that brought on a wave of emotions...). There were a lot of people by 915am and the waiting time for being 6th in queue meant a full hour's wait. I opted to return later in the day for them. Sigh, is this journey going to get longer?


Not sure why I'm extra emo this cycle, the drugs maybe? The visit to Centre or Human Reproduction was just...out of the norm..There's a mish mesh of thoughts and I really have to just get through this cycle and then...get down to the last of all these...to call it a day. I am hard on myself sometimes and this is one of those situations where what is the "best" I can do.

I headed back to the Centre of Human Reproduction later that day and waited almost forever until I saw a nurse to get my injectibles and she taught me how to jab myself. It was a very short yet comfortable encounter and she cracked jokes to set me at ease...I finally did and she volunteered to help check my egg reserves in system.  She frowned and then asked me how many times have I done IUI so I replied her 2 previously and now my 5th. Fact is, I thought I had my reserves checked before and she couldn't find any information so she replied "Are you still waiting for a miracle...?" It was a simple question that brought on a wave of emotions, some tears and I sobbed. For sure she continued about the spouse co-funding scheme available but that wasn't the point.

Boy it stung so hard, I held back those tears and finally just let it go at the taxi stand. Me, crouched in a corner, crying my heart out.

I believe in prayer, God and miracles. Is there any wrong in this though? Yeah for sure, she could've had her intentions misconstrued and it came out wrong...but it hurt so bad. The family was all hot and upset with the nurse and all I can do is give her the benefit of the doubt, hope never to meet her again and life really just goes on.

Is there such a thing as having a heart at work? I guess some occupations are predisposed to have more empathy than the rest...but does that mean you even need to be empathetic to work in those areas? 

I wish this is the first and last doing SO-IUI and even assisted contraception. I look forward to the day I wave all of these behind me and say I have graduated, it hasn't been easy but the life ahead has so much more than just this alone.



Day 8 - Gonal f, second jab


It's not easy inflicting pain to myself, and even with a practice I still had to summon enough courage to watch myself poke myself. HAHA, how grammatically incorrect that sounds. Until now, I wish I can pay another to jab me.




Day 9 - Gonal f, third jab


I figured my right is less painful than the left.


Day 10 - Gonal f, fourth jab


Three follicles growing well and I needn't do any bloodwork because we are on track. That's only necessary when we are over and under stimulated. Phew! Prof even joked that I have become expert - I wish I don't need to be better at jabbing myself, that just means more jabs.


I gave up TCM this cycle at this point because of clashing appointments...so...yeah just focusing on western medicines this cycle.


Day 11, Gonal f, fifth jab


I only remembered to jab myself at 845pm, it was sucha...moment of realization and thank god I was home. Flustered like crazy and I ended up poking myself where it hurt most to date. BOO.


Day 12, 6 follicles and a decision to make


I woke up to news of one of a friend's sister's twins not making it. Premmie but still...:( Multiples and the risks involved.


My appointment was first thing in the morning and Prof surprised me with some bantering, super unlike him and when Prof took longer than usual to scan - you know instincts tell you...he had something to say. And he did - we have to make a decision he finally said.


Turns out I have 6 follicles this time, I was to drop my Gonal-f dosage to just 25 and to return on Day 13 to see if we have to abort the cycle if the remaining 5 suddenly had a growth spurt. SIGH. After all the odds and risking a cycle Hubba won't be around I may have to abort somemore.


And pray is all I can do, no wonder I'm feeling the discomfort around the abdomen...how do people with 30-40 follicles during IVF deal with it!? This cycle is feeling a lot longer than I thought.. :(


Day 13, decision made, trigger shot


6 follicles still and 3 big ones (20, 17.5 and 16mm), 3 smaller at 12mm. I had two options even with proceeding -


Let nature take its course. Scan until I have ovulated then IUI will be the next day.


Schedule a trigger shot and proceed with IUI as planned.


The main difference is the controlled risk factor, for letting nature take its course - if nature meant for all 3 to pop then fine, it's nature. I am playing God by forcing all 3 to pop and then risk multiples. I guess the inherent risk with assisted and in particularly SO-IUI is that.


This cycle I will be administering the trigger shot myself..haha, that is what jabbing yourself consecutively does to my confidence level. It ain't all that bad...I hope.


I am quite the go getter and since day one, I knew my odds and going for assisted maximizes whatever chances I have. I have failed a cycle with more than 1 follicle, and obviously have succeeded with just 1 follicle too. For all I know, I may fail this too even with 3. So yes, let us try and see what this leads us to. There's almost nothing to lose and like the nurse rightly put though very harshly, I am waiting for my miracle.


The eventful trigger shot


My first time and I thought Gonal-f taught me well, I must've misheard the nurse when she said no need to turn like those jabs as there was just 1 dosage anyway. And I did the alcohol swipe, took a deep breath and jabbed. Then I waited...how was I to know when the liquid would be emptied? There was no sign.


I saw the jab area turning red and pulled out the needle, and did it again. and again..and I tried turning the knobs because I remember her saying it should be empty. A total of 4 pokes before I just decided to go see a doctor for this time sensitive jab. En route and with hands trembling I decided to re-read the instructions and there, I didn't read clearly, I should turn to 250 and then jab. And for the fifth, I finally got the job done and felt the worst I ever did in awhile.


"Courage isn't having strength to go on - It is going on when you don't have strength".

"God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference." - favourite verse alert.


SO-IUI on CD 15...and after all the drama, I still had not ovulated at point of procedure. Swimmers were 70+M so...Prof said "very close to ovulation" so let's hope against all odds some magic is going to happen.


Duphaston was ordered for the next 15 days and I was to return the following week to see how I was faring. New protocols.


I spotted brown blood throughout the first 5 days.


CD22, 7DPIUI


I woke up to a horrible bad dream, I never ever ever want to be dreaming of it again...and they say vivid dreams are a sign of pregnancy too?


Prof basically touched my stomach and muttered "nice and soft", so I guess I wasn't bloated? But that summed by visit up. I got my order of Clomid just in case this cycle failed me...so well...


Itchy finger me decided to test and got the BFP but online says it really could be the trigger shot and a false positive because the drugs stay in the body for about 10-12 days. I tried not get overly excited...and well, even if I get the BFP the first trimester is still risky. SIGH.



June 2018

CD 23, 8PIUI


I saw the first splash of red, URGH. Was it too early for the menses though? Sigh. Was it because I did this and that and oh well, I am no stranger to disappointment though I admit part of my hopes are still kept high.

Splurged on a Clear blue test kit and it says positive still. Are the jabs and bed rest waiting for me? Shrugs. Or is the last cycle of SO-IUI waiting for me. Once again we are back at this and I really live on hope. The last month has been nothing but a ride and hope.


CD27, 13DPIUI
Period 1 day late and I tested with the first morning pee. Yep, my BFP was still there. Tried to make an appointment with Prof and was told the earliest would be CD33. 2 days without duphaston would be frightening so nope, I had to see him this week before my supple ran out. The nurse was skeptical about my being able to test so early (last pregnancy was like that leh!) and slotted me in on 15DPIUI. Let's keep our fingers crossed for this.


CD28, 14DPIUI
My BFP continued and part of me doesn't want to over dwell on this, maybe or maybe not? Having been through those harrowing 37 weeks and 4 days..part of me is still fearful of history. I am paranoid of the 500 things that can happen...and some days the spotting is heavier than the rest and...well, I just need to get some reassurance from Prof about this.


When I met him and he found out I had been testing since Day 7 he gave me the most quizzical of looks as if it was so foreign to him...and then shot me a couple more questions about it...and still I had to take a blood test to be sure and well, with the previous experience I knew what was in store for me.


It's odd how at the cashiering stage they based it on my pee test and declared me under new pregnancy when Prof himself was asking for blood work.


At 5ish closer to 6, I was informed that we were indeed pregnant and I had to start my jabs as before and then have a scan scheduled the next week.